Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Unlikely Voice- the unfiltered truth


It seems the majority of my posts focus so much on purpose and value. I speak from the heart and the reality is those are my top two struggles.

So the feedback I have received on what I have to say has been overwhelming to say the least. Of all the people in the world to have something, much less something meaningful to say, I certainly would not have expected my voice to have an impact. Hello, my name is Aimee and I am a self doubter.

I am finding that what I have often considered a weakness may just in fact be my biggest strength. I thrive on honesty. Blatant, unfiltered, completely authentic- no holding back honesty. In my narrow mind I have never understood any other way to live. Why would I lie?

Now, don’t get me wrong. I have a theatrical background and I do enjoy some drama from time to time. So I am guilty of embellishing, stretching and manipulating things so that they sound prettier, more exciting, less mundane.  And the longer I’ve lived the less “unfiltered” I have tried to become, careful not to offend or step on any toes. I also started to believe that no one wants to hear my sob story. Suck it up, get over it, move on, here’s a quarter... I have found that in the world and even in my own neighborhood so many others have had and continue to have it way worse than I ever have or could ever imagine.

And I also want to fluff things and make them more attractive or appealing because I profess Jesus as my Lord and Savior. A Christian should never focus on the negative but always emphasize the positive.  But to deny my story for the sake of making others feel more comfortable, less tampered with is essentially living a lie.

The raw truth is, I have struggled with depression from the time I was 13. Be it hormones, circumstances, or a chemical imbalance it is something I continually fight.  Some seasons are easier than others. Someone once told me that those who display the most joy have experienced deepest sorrow. Which makes me look at those I have admired for their joyful disposition- much differently.  And could it actually be that in order to KNOW joy and the fullness of what it beholds, one might actually have to walk through hard times or else it cannot be appreciated for what it truly is?

I find it ironic that for a girl who has continually tried to avoid pain or difficult circumstances, I chose to opt out of drugs for the delivery of my twins. I actually WANTED to experience the pain and to power through it. To give it everything I had to overcome the pain for the prize. I had to breathe A LOT and focus all of my mental energy on the goal and not the present suffering.  After 9 hours of laboring, I welcomed two strong, healthy baby boys. I had DONE it. I felt empowered and humbled. God granted me that experience that I now realize is a picture of His desire for me. For all of us. I could not have done any of that by myself. I had the support of my amazing husband (stood by my side every stubborn step of the way) and incredible nurses who believed in me and did everything possible to encourage me. And God, who has been with me every step of my journey loving, guiding, gently revealing His beauty, goodness and grace. The One that empowers me to do all things in Him and through Him. This God who suffered the ultimate betrayal, experienced sorrow on a level I may never know, who powered through the pain of rejection and bore the sins of all mankind. He allowed the goal to be his focus and His precious children to be His prize.


Whatever the thorn might be in your life, I encourage you, me, this unlikely voice who has often struggled to see the positive and lived days, weeks, months in a dark cloud-- to power through it. But certainly not on your own, or in your own strength.  For He has known the pain you face and He has the scars to prove it. And He desperately wants to carry you, equip you and empower you to set your eyes not on the present suffering but the incredible PRIZE He has in store. This prize that we catch glimpses of from time to time.  That joy unspeakable which will one day, be all day every day in His presence undiluted from the distractions of this Earth and the things the enemy throws our way. 

 Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we’re in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he’s there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!”- Hebrews 12:2-3 the message.

Join me as I press on toward the goal. Let us run this race with endurance for our ultimate prize!

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Great honest and raw post Aimee. Depression runs in my family, and although I don't think I have that gene, I have unfortunately, felt the almost unbearable pain that you speak of. And yet, with God... Like you, I powered through (not my power mind you, but His!) So keep on trucking. You've got lots of folks who love you, not the least of which is the one you'll spend eternity with!

Anonymous said...

Love your honesty Aimee. I too have struggled with depression and look at it as the thorn in my side. It keeps me dependent on God. Always seeking Him.

Antwuan said...

Love your candidness. It's funny that for the last few days I been reading about God using our ugliness for his glory. How the joke is ultimately on Satan when we are tempted, even when we fail, because it is often those failures that qualify us to enter into meaningful conversation with those who have suffered the same way in their lives.

All I can say is keep it up!

Aimee said...

Thanks my friends!! Having people like you in my life is a HUGE blessing.

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