An open letter to all the 20 Reasons posts

Ok no not really. But it seems lately everyone has at least 10 or 20 reasons for something. Or has written and open letter. I didn’t want to be left out.

And while on the subject, this is the reason why I haven’t really posted anything in a long while.  Many of my closest friends have encouraged me to write, saying that I have a voice that the world needs. Yet I read around the blogosphere and I realize I’m not really saying anything new.  I’m not the first to question my faith, lose a close friend, be a mom of twins or deal with past regrets or pain. I’ve found myself wanting, needing, craving SILENCE. Silence my thoughts and all the voices and opinions around me… Ways I should dress, worship, believe, behave, think, pray, reconcile, parent, wife… etc. etc.

I have been in a state of cynicism and truly the last thing the internet needs is another bitter person voicing their frustration for all the world to read—even more so, a so called “Christian”.

Aside from the political arena, which I clearly have an opinion on, I have noticed that there is an extreme discord among Christians all over.  So much anger. So much finger pointing and blaming.

I find myself getting sucked into this way of thinking. Certain radio hosts that truly make my skin crawl. I judge because she is self-righteous. Certain radio preachers that are so very conservative. I judge  because he is so narrow minded. Bloggers that harp on other pastors for being too patriarchal. I judge because she is too merciless.  And oh if I could just see past the plank in my own eye, I might notice that I too can be a self righteous, narrow minded, merciless… you know what.

And I have realized, it is so much easier to focus on all the negative. All that is wrong. The ways in which the church has failed and other Christians have let me down. How no one seems to get a long and so many open letters being written to one another for not thinking the “right” way.

So I have found myself with little to say. Which is very unusual. And I have noticed myself actually enjoying life. I said the words, “I am happy.” And cringed… waiting for lightning to strike.  Like it is such a bad thing to feel happy.  When everyone else seems so very, very UNhappy.

But with all I have battled through the last year, I can confidently say, life is too short to get hung up on what I can’t control. Which is everything and everyone other than myself. Who can even be uncontrollable at times. And there is an insurmountable abundance of freedom in that.  You hear the  quote if you want change, be the change you want to see, and that is now my motto. I could use this blog to voice my opinion on doctrine or scriptural interpretation. A platform to convince others that believing in certain things will save them, make them better, improve the world. But unless my life reflects one of gratitude, encouragement and selflessness, what is the point?

I want to invite my readers to LIVE.  To invest their time into what matters. To unplug if necessary and ignore the plethora of opinions and open letters that are floating around and will always be around.

I find it exhausting trying to keep up. And I mourn over time and energy wasted.  Several bloggers out there are trying to be encouraging and uplifting. Honest and authentic. I appreciate those and often walk away feeling lighter.

So I hope to do the same for others.

Ultimately, I want to inspire everyone to pursue the things that make them SHINE.  To find beauty in their days despite the ugly that might be all around them.  To find Joy. Peace. Gentleness. Kindness. Love.

These fruits are worth pursuing. Worth spending headspace on. 

So consider this an open letter to all the open letters out there.  Can we use our words to uplift rather than tear down? To maybe find what is being done RIGHT rather than criticize all that is being done wrong? To join hands and fight against the popular opinion that we must be heard and we must be right and just simply love.

I get it. I understand the NEED to project an opinion. I fall into the trap daily- especially as a writer. Even maybe in this very moment.  But I want to put my weapons down.  And just outstretch my arms and give the world and everyone in it a big, giant hug.  We are all doing this thing called life together.  And many will still bring out their big guns.  But we DO have a choice.  To pursue peace or demand division.

It may be I have found 20 reasons why NOT to blog. But for now I want the world to know, I have been blessed beyond measure. My family. My friends. My GOD. I am always loved and God is always good.   I am so very thankful and pray I will never lose sight of the abundance even when it seems scarce. Even if I happen to disagree with a fellow sojourner.

2013 has truly been an unforgettable year, and not in the best way. Yet I find myself grateful for the lessons I have learned from some truly, life-altering and difficult circumstances. It seems I have learned more in the last year than in all 31 others combined. And so I approach the new year with a new perspective: 

• Never take any relationship for granted- tell those you love just how much you love them
• Slow down and notice, REALLY notice life around you
• Say thank you always, every day
• Oh be careful little mouth what you say
• It's OK to like yourself even if others don't- it actually starts with you anyways.

So my hope is that no matter what 2014 may hold, I will NOT forget the lessons from before and my words will be seasoned with life giving sustenance that build up and encourage. I'm clearly aware of the fact that not everything is rainbows and gumdrops and I won't pretend that it is. I would just rather find the rainbows instead of drown them out with all the other dreary, dismal stuff life often tends to bring to the surface. 

Thank you- to those of you who continue to read. May your Christmas be filled with joy and the new year full of life, love and adventure. 

Hell has frozen over- A political post

For the last several months I have been observing our culture. Reading angry blogs and even angrier comments that follow. Seeing posts demanding that something be done about the condition of our society, government, world. And what is most astounding is the majority of these angry, outraged people claim to follow the ways of Christ.

I hate tension and conflict. And I certainly do not enjoy being the cause of it. I am quick to apologize when I’m confronted because I don’t want to be known or perceived as divisive or intentionally malicious. That is not my heart. I am very aware that I am not perfect. Reminded on a daily, minute by minute basis.

I don’t like calling things out. I’d rather be behind someone else doing it. And my understanding of all that is going on in the world is so very, very limited. I won’t even begin to assume I know it all. And let me also make clear that those who choose to be politically involved have my deepest respects. I do not covet positions of power in politics and I am grateful that people step up to act in that way… whether I agree with their stance or not. You may say my involvement has been apathetic. That is actually what I have claimed. I don’t care. 

Whatever. (hence the title of this post)

But lately I realize I am far from apathetic. I have been downright disturbed and ashamed. I am unsettled because I feel so passionately about all that is going on. Yet, I just remain silent. Mainly because the last thing I think we need is another disgruntled voice yelling their (my) opinion as gospel truth from the mountain top. But, to be honest, I do want to yell and scream. Really, really loud. I’m frustrated. But I am having a hard time identifying why?

I just want to say, Can’t we all just get along?? Make love not war? Spread peace and joy instead of division and enmity. So much yelling and fit throwing. I get that enough day in and day out from my twins. Then I hop online and hear it some more and then I’m wrestling with the same voices in my own head… and I long for silence. I wake up and I just want rest.

It is inescapable. And I could hole myself up and pretend it isn’t happening. Avoid pretty much any and every post on my fb wall and blog being written for that matter. I may find temporary peace. But the war continues whether I participate or not. And it’s unrealistic to think my voice would have any impact. But I have decided that maybe I’m not the only one. Just the only one willing to say it.

And what exactly am I trying to say? What solution do I propose? How can the world’s problems be solved in one blog post? Lord knows I wish I had the answer.

I really think it all boils down to one question posed by Jesus himself, “Who do YOU say that I am?”

Behold, the Son of God who takes away the sins of the world. We are so caught up in so much. We point fingers across the great political divide. Cast stones at one another in an attempt to influence one another’s point of view for the better.  Clinging to our pride, adamant that WE have the right answer. And I literally ask myself the cliché question, What WOULD Jesus do? Undeterred by either party he would enter the room, acknowledge the presence of people, remove his cloak and wash their feet.  This man/God would SERVE. He would serve the raging liberal demanding equal rights for all people. He would serve the dogmatic republican staunch in his views on capitalism. He would search deep beneath the surface of these issues and touch their heart. Simply with His love. And in that moment, in that room—there would be no divide because He would have bridged it. Black, white, gay, straight, Catholic, atheist, feminist, menonite, JUDAS Iscariot. Jesus is not partial. For the son of man did not come to be served, but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for ALL.

This is when losing my life makes sense! Surrendering it all for the sake of serving and loving. Not for fixing people because they are so messy. Or convincing them that I have all the answers and that if they just believe the way I do they will live a richer, fuller life. But simply humbling myself, releasing any impartiality or prejudice and graciously meeting someone where they are at, reaching down removing their shoes and washing their feet with the overwhelming love of Jesus. Not out of obligation, or because I’m supposed to. Not so others can see me and witness my amazing ability to be so humble and Christ like. God no. May it never be. But completely out of the sheer desire to love because I have been loved and they are an image bearer of the King and DESERVE respect, honor, grace and love. No matter their social standing, sexual orientation, incarceration, political party, religion, ethnicity, drug use or lack there of, mental stability, etc.

Is anyone else tired of the endless finger pointing and name calling? Is it possible for us to take our eyes off of everyone else and what they think and point our focus on the ONE that matters most. Is it really our place to point out where everything is going wrong? Can we be a part of the solution rather than the problem? Focus on simply loving God and loving others. Then is all the rest even necessary?

I’ve come to the conclusion in all my wrestling and inner conflict that I am responsible for myself and no one else. I can’t control or convince others to agree with my opinion or viewpoint. I am unable to force “Christians” to live up to their namesake. I place unrealistic demands on people I don’t even know expecting that they understand love and peace the way I do.  I have taken on the worries of the world thinking I might actually influence the world. Who do I think I am?

I am drawing a circle. And I am going to commune with Jesus. I am going to ask Him what the best choices are for my life and I am going to do my best to respond obediently. And my prayer would be that as I follow hard after Him; that His love would spill over to those around me. That they would SEE the love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control and THEY too would want the same for their lives.

And who am I kidding really? When I see the discord and disunity. Dissention and disgust. Who is behind it all? I can almost hear the maniacal laughter emitting from every fiber of his being.  Relishing in the slander and sacrilege. We are his actors putting on a brilliant performance. He directs, we acquiesce. He prowls around just waiting to jump at the chance to cash in on our hurt feelings. He knows how to soothe our precious egos by convincing us we are every bit justified in retaliating with our words and staunch opinions. He seems less concerned with the outcome and more entertained by the process.  We are so convinced the opposing side is our enemy. But it’s the one whispering those juicy lies we love to hear in our ears.  Coddling the idol of self worship and self elevation. Or keeping us quiet. Don’t get involved. It’s too risky. People can be awfully mean. Stay safe. Comfort first. Me first.

So if you too are in a funk, please know you are not alone. If you hear things that make your skin crawl from people who supposedly represent your faith and values, you are in good company.

I could spend time bashing and retaliating against those types of comments.

Then I’m just as guilty.

The one place where I know we are on the same playing field is at the foot of the cross.

All of us. Same boat. Regardless of our political agenda or theological interpretations. 

There is none righteous.

Not. EVEN. ONE.

Not even ME.

I am forced to look up and acknowledge without Him, I am nothing. And He took it upon Himself to keep me from having to hang there myself. My peace. My rest.

Christ alone.

Maybe that is the answer to the world’s problems. In one blog post.

Join me as we wrestle with the uncomfortable reality of unrest and instability looking to the cross as the source of our peace and the solution to our pride.

Stupid Girl

I've been awfully quiet lately. Not without thought, let me assure you.

I couldn't let this one go. Not because it angered me. Rather because it intrigued me. I would never claim to be of high intelligence.. heck, I just misspelled the word twice before having to look it up. I not E. 

And clearly if you happen to be reading along this blogging journey I have come to a place in my faith walk where I am not completely sure of things. So I'm fascinated by reading about the journeys and opinions of others regarding faith and religion. I am trying to do away with "religion" and instead, truly seek out what my faith really means. 

So this article caught my attention. Religious people are less intelligent than atheists

And here is my response.

It seems astounding to me that such extensive research has taken place.  I can’t begin to imagine the numbers of people polled to gather the necessary information to in fact determine that whatever quantifies as “intelligence” actually reigns supreme in those who have denied the existence of God.

As I read the “explanation” behind what constitutes greater intelligence I was really just confused.  And left for wanting a bit more substantial evidence or points. Most of the research cited, dated back to the early to mid 1900’s so it wasn’t very clear how relevant the information is to today.  If you choose not to read it I will sum up the apparent reasons as to what makes people intelligent. Obviously further education was listed, but so was stable marriage and financial security in addition to having a clear direction and purpose with a career.  So because you have more head knowledge,  things in your life are easier and cause you to “need” God less.

“People possessing the functions that religion provides are likely to adopt atheism, people lacking these very functions (e.g., the poor, the helpless) are likely to adopt theism,” the researchers wrote.”

I read this quote and really sat with it. And realized, this isn’t really “news”. There is nothing new under the sun.  In fact, the Bible speaks to this very idea. Affirms it in a sense.  

"The Message that points to Christ on the Cross seems like sheer silliness to those hellbent on destruction, but for those on the way of salvation it makes perfect sense. This is the way God works, and most powerfully as it turns out. It’s written,

I’ll turn conventional wisdom on its head,
I’ll expose so-called experts as crackpots.

So where can you find someone truly wise, truly educated, truly intelligent in this day and age? Hasn’t God exposed it all as pretentious nonsense? Since the world in all its fancy wisdom never had a clue when it came to knowing God, God in his wisdom took delight in using what the world considered dumb—preaching, of all things!—to bring those who trust him into the way of salvation."

Keep reading the rest here. 1 Cor 1:18-31 MSG

Our minds comprehend what we can logically understand and define. I started reading The Jesus I Never Knew by Phillip Yancey and he so eloquently and honestly explains by using examples from Dostoevsky and his own personal struggle with Christ, how it would have been so much easier during the temptation,  for Jesus to just prove it to Satan that He really was who He said He was. Instead he practiced restraint.

 “Did Jesus not realize that people want more than anything else to worship what is established beyond dispute? ‘Instead of taking possession of man’s freedom, you increased it, and burdened the spiritual kingdom of mankind with its sufferings forever. You desired man’s free love, that he should follow you freely, enticed and taken captive by you’… He surrendered his greatest advantage: the power to compel belief.”

To me it is not an issue of intelligence really. It’s an issue of courage. An issue of FAITH. One that I have personally been wrestling with. I get how self sufficiency and obtaining self regulation and self enhancement can be desirous and ultimately lead one to defy any deity. The rich young ruler for instance, who by all accounts would fit this “modern day intelligent man”, successful, wealthy, fulfilled with the best this life had to offer, walked away from Christ.  He turned his back on God because he didn’t want to give up all he had accrued and it made him sad.  And I get it. Now it makes sense why it is so much easier for a camel to get through the eye of a needle than a “rich” man to get into the kingdom of heaven.

I’m a white knuckler. I hold onto things I feel I have earned or I think I deserve. Not giving much if any credit to where they came from or from whom they came. I want and I want and I strive and I create this world of comfort and security in an effort to afford myself the fulfillment I think I deserve. And I would venture to say no matter who you are or where you stand on the issue of faith, that you too make effort towards the same goal.

I have a degree in Performing Arts and I often dreamed of making it big. I thought about celebrities and what their lives might be like. And I wonder, who is a friend to the celebrity? I mean really? Can anyone be trusted when you are famous? Wouldn’t you always wonder if they really wanted to be friends with you because of who you were rather than your well known name, or how much money you had? And that thought broke my heart.

Then it makes me turn my attention toward God. We are such users. We use friends, family members, drugs, alcohol, status, job title, you name it we use it and as long as it meets our needs it is worth our devotion. And I start to think this is also how we often see God too. As long as He is meeting our needs he is worth our devotion. Until He asks me to give everything away, He’s good.  As long as He doesn’t mess with my comfort or security, or point out any of my imperfections or misgivings, we can be cool.  But the minute I’m forced to concede with parts of my life that I’m not proud of or admit that I am unable to perform then I have no NEED for God.  Because I am self sufficient. I got this. God has no hand in this. It is easier to walk away than it is to FACE our reality.

So to quantify my own “intelligence”, I have a bachelor’s degree. I am happily married with 2 kids. I have had a number of jobs in my life and we are stable financially. And my journey of questioning God really began when I started losing things that were dear to me. It seems easier to me to essentially “walk away” because in the end, what I’m giving up doesn’t seem to equate to what I’m getting back.  That rain falls on the righteous and the unrighteous alike. There is no “reward” for being so self sacrificing and giving. Or is there?

The message of the gospel is so backwards compared to the Westernized way of thinking. The first shall be last and the last shall be first?? Not Survival of the fittest? If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give it up for me, you will find it. Not a live for the moment mentality? So I’m fighting these messages I’ve bought into and transformed into some kind of westernjesusbibletheology.

And I’m really sitting with those passages. I see the face of the rich young ruler in mine. I become sad because I fear I’m not willing to relinquish the death grip my fists have on all I deem as MINE. I fear He won’t be enough. It is easier to seek satisfaction here and now. Instant gratification but is it truly gratifying?

The thing about intelligent people is they have probably come to similar conclusions about God. They really take him at his word. And simply don’t like it. Disagree with it and would rather just dismiss it as fairytales than actually believe it to be true because it goes against EVERYTHING they have strived to achieve and build up for themselves.

Faith calls us not to stupidity, but full surrender. Which some may consider stupid, I suppose. Why would you surrender to someone you can’t see? I personally see it as a very courageous act. A willingness to lay aside one’s hopes, dreams, desires and place them in the hands of the ONE who gave them to us in the first place. It seems scary and daring. Outrageous and radical. Sounds like a life of adventure and unpredictability. A wild ride. An unfolding of those tightly clenched fists flaring open presented as an offering to the one who has offered it all.

So like it says in 1 Cor, I'm signing up to be a nobody--in a world where making a name for yourself is what matters. But I admire those that have gone before me and were fully surrendered for the sake of Christ and for the sake of love. And I can't deny that love is the whole reason behind this thing called faith after all. I just know I can't do it alone. And if you're in, we can't do it alone. We need each other. Let's be nobodies together and love all the nobodies the world could do without. Then anybody and everybody just might wonder what all us nobodies are up to. And we will look stupid and maybe feel stupid. But, "What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul?"

And I pray just like the father in Mark 9 "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" Not just for myself. But for all of us. 

And I waiver and I wander and I dilly dally away from what I hear Him saying and the promises He offers. I dissect the desires of my heart and ask am I willing to follow no matter what?

A life of ease and shelving this idea of God.

Or a life of full, total surrender. Unyielding.

This is what faith truly asks of us. Not our IQ.  

A Holy Anger

While wandering in this spiritual funk for the last several months I have observed a couple of things.

1.       There are a lot of people out there with numerous, varying and differing opinions on how    to follow Jesus (including this very blog ;)

2.       Opinions are all well and good but actions speak louder than words

I have found myself growing angry about morality debates among Christians and how ridiculous we must appear to those looking in on our “loving” community demanding that WE have the right interpretation of what Jesus meant when He said… or what it means when the Bible says…

I admit, I have been engaged in some of this unnecessary, unedifying and unproductive debating. It causes me to become angry and bitter and I realize then that is exactly where the enemy wants me to be. We can hold onto our staunch beliefs about clothing and lifestyle and impose it toward others claiming if they were “true” followers of Jesus they would or would not do, say, or wear certain things. I too can sit in my personal ideologies and force others to think the way I do or force Jesus into my Westernized culture to fit His words into what makes sense to me now. But I have come to realize that forcing an idea or pushing any morality agenda doesn’t seem to be very effective. I find when my blood is boiling and anger is stirring within me, my desire to “be heard” and to “be right” overrides the actual basis of the reason for my faith: LOVE.

Because this: " If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.  If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.  If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing."

My over action involving myself in reading about others ideas and opinions and riling myself up over them compared to my inaction in actually loving people and living out my faith is astonishingly embarrassing.

While I remain uncertain on a few things, this I KNOW. God is Love. And I have been commanded to love Him and love others as well as I love myself.

I have learned that my discontent as of late has not really been with God but with false pretenses or presumptions I have BELIEVED about God. The stripping away of those while strange, and often times painful is actually becoming very freeing.

So then there’s this: "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

This verse is the mission verse behind my friend Leslie’s orphanages in Uganda and Ethiopia. Having endured the horrific and tragic loss of her daughter Marissa, my friend Leslie, along with her husband Ken and son Gabriel took it on themselves to build 2 orphanages in her daughter's name.

While I know Leslie wishes she could turn back time and get Marissa back, she bravely faces every day determined to love God and love others the best she can, and pours her life into providing for the beautiful children in these establishments.

So when Leslie told me casually in our last conversation about her recent trip to Uganda, that she was unable to stay at the orphanage because there was no running water, I naturally asked, “How much would it cost to put in a well?”

$10,000

To change the way of life for 23 children and at least 4 of the workers that live with them.

Now there’s a new fire burning in me. And a holy anger motivating (not guilting) me to pursue this pure and faultless religion. To walk away from debating morality and start diving into meeting needs around the world in LOVE. I’m tired of my inaction. Weary of fighting worthless battles that at the end of the day will not point anyone to the loving arms of Jesus. I’m ready to live a life of love. And not just talk about it.

These beautiful children.

Created by God. Made in His image. Worthy of clean water.

The kind I drink everyday without a second thought as I hop online to view the next opinion out there on how I need to be living.

Check out this website. Marissa's House

And if you are as motivated as I am to be LOVE instead of just talk about it, consider donating or at the very least sharing this campaign with any and every one you know.

And be encouraged by what has been graciously encouraging me:" For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart."

God sees your heart. That’s all that matters. Not even MY opinion :)

Will you join me on a mission to change the living conditions for these beautiful children?

More than a Glimpse

My eyes are peeled as of late. Fully aware that God is active. Revealing himself all around me. I admit I have been consumed with my thoughts and have hermitted away inside my head. For that reason I would say my heart has been hardened and my eyes blinded. I have been reading recurring verses and thoughts about how we are to encourage and lift one another up. It seems as though my honesty is a little less than encouraging or uplifting.

When I survey my life there is a blindingly obvious blessing in the person of my husband. More than a glimpse, this man has embodied to me the love of Jesus on a day by day, minute by minute basis. If you follow this blog you can imagine the depth of conversations I force him to engage in. The combination of being a deep thinker plus having quality time as my number one love language can make a torturous evening for a man that enjoys the simple things in life.

After 7 years of marriage he has yet to blow up at me for the nitpicking I indulge in. It should be a huge sign that the majority of my focus on all he fails to do right is pretty much a projection of my inward struggle to attain perfection. This man is solid. And I often think if the tables were turned I would have bailed long ago. 

The first day we met I was turning 20. He was a mere 18. So young! I had been on my desperate search to find "the one" pretty much since age 5. Boy crazy barely scratches the surface. But my background having been influenced by books like, I Kissed Dating Goodbye and When God Writes Your Love Story really limited me in my choices of who I "should" be with. All those types that fit into the christian author's perfect description of what kind of man I needed, wanted nothing to do with me. So my quest broadened to whoever pays attention to me, I will give a fair chance. And by the blessed grace of God the man that paid attention was Simon.

And with the typing of that last sentence I can't hold back the tears. 

He had no claimed faith in Jesus, at the time, and during our second encounter he was hungover. Any good Christian girl would have fled the scene. Been completely disinterested. And in a way, I tried to be. Tell myself I deserved better. Little did I know the best was yet to come. I was strongly drawn to him. He was/is a man of character and integrity. Hard working, fun loving, stress free. An instant friend, stranger to no one. Plus, the Aussie accent, 6'4" chiseled baseball player build and enchanting smile didn't hurt :)

But one of his most impressive attributes and continues to be, is his respect for and treatment toward women. He speaks highly of his mother always. Loves, admires and respects his older sister. And one of my favorite memories of our early dating days (he would say we WERE NOT dating at the time) was when we were enjoying a lovely spring afternoon sitting alongside the brick wall near the cafeteria. Two girls from my dorm that played on the volleyball team walked past us wearing dresses. He spoke out to them and commented on how nice they looked in their spring dresses. It was the most sincere non-pick up line compliment I had ever heard. They swooned. And I could have been so jealous, and not to say there wasn't that middle school girl in me growling. But at that moment I was so PROUD to be the girl by his side. So honored that he was confident enough in himself and our friendship that he could pay other women a true compliment without it being sleazy. 

The unfortunate part of this story is I continued to read those books and evaluate every aspect of our relationship through them. I would call him in distress, worried that he didn't quite fit the mold (even after he gave his life to Jesus). Our relationship didn't look like the perfect, pure "Christian" relationship I was reading about. All these rules and strict ideas about how to date and we were falling short. But somehow HE was the problem. If only I could have put the books down and picked up a mirror. And all those things that he should be doing, how much time he should be reading the Bible, leading us in prayer- yes all good things, but my sister said the other day, "You know, I would almost rather a husband willing to take out the trash than one who sits around reading his Bible alot." Amen. Amazing how actually serving communicates quite a bit more than reading about serving.

I called my grandma after we had gotten engaged in a sheer emotional panic. How do I know I'm making the right choice? I was so confused by all I had read and all I was afraid of. My grandma is a wise woman. Gentle, calm, not often emotional or irrational. She told me she believed Simon would be a great husband for me. And those simple, yet very wise words could not be any truer. Without any effort on my part he has proven to be the most incredible husband a girl could ask for or dream up. And I wonder for his sweet sake, if all that time and energy focused on making him fit the mold could have been redirected toward enhancing myself as a loving partner- how much better could his life have been? And who really in the relationship seemed to understand what our faith was all about in the end?

After all the forcing him into a box I tried, he STILL loved me. And not a day went or goes by by that he didn't/doesn't tell me. I never had to wonder if he thought I was beautiful because he would and still tells me day after day. This gracious man. When it would have been so much easier to walk away after all my harping on him, he stuck by my side. And gosh that sounds a lot like the love I hear God has too. 

So here is this man in my life. Who didn't fit the mold but models to me on a human scale the gracious, unconditional love that I don't deserve, that I didn't earn but that I so thankfully receive. And it looks and sounds and feels so much like the love of Jesus. 

He is my blinding glimpse into the GREATER that exists. And his Aussie accent, 6'4" frame and enchanting smile are an added bonus.

 

I love you babe. Thank you for loving me and helping me keep the faith.

Join me in recognizing the people in our life who love us graciously and show us a glimpse of the GREATEST love.

A risk of losing readership

This refining isn't easy. And along this journey so much fallacy in my soul is being revealed. It hurts and I feel raw and exposed. But I have invited an audience to join me. So if you are willing to stumble down this road with me feel free. I understand if you leave me to it on my own though. Because nothing that follows in the paragraphs below is pretty. 

It all seems so fabricated, all this that I’ve been taught to believe, to be SO certain of--without a doubt. So when the questions start bubbling up I begin to drown. It seems that everyone else seems to be so sure. Whether it’s Christianity or not. They have the answers. Confident in their choices and decisions. Staunch in their beliefs- unwavering in their support of justice for all mankind. Joyful. It is all the things I’m SUPPOSED to feel and display and I come up short. I can no longer conjure up these contrived feelings and emotions.

It feels as though my spiritual heart has flat lined and all I can hear is the monotonous, continual beep.

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And yet to give up the fight would be to walk away from EVERYTHING I have ever been taught or experienced in my life.

I’m not drowning myself in scriptures (as I should be) but rather my sorrows (as feels natural). The consuming doubts and questions choke out any desire to open my Bible. There is pride and anger. Disappointment and distrust. My mind tells me what my good biblical self knows- the heart is deceptive above all else. I can’t trust myself or these things I think. I feel like I’m imploding.. simply going crazy. Not knowing what I believe anymore. My foundation is cracking and I’m falling in. And I think to myself… it must have been sand, I really thought I had built it on the rock.

But there’s a part of me that wants to stay in uncertainty… I fear becoming immersed back into the mindset of having the answers especially if they really are sinking sand.  The holes and weaknesses of my faith are being viciously exposed. And I have run out of scriptures to patch them all up. I’m throwing up my hands and saying, I give. I DON’T KNOW. I DON’T UNDERSTAND. I want to answer the whys and I can’t.  And I desperately want to follow those words with uplifting, inspiring thoughts that bring me back to the almighty creator, who is gracious, kind and loving in all that He does. Desperately.

So I’m looking up in my desperation. And I am waiting. Impatiently waiting. Will He answer when I call?

And this is the confidence (the assurance, the privilege of boldness) which we have in Him: [we are sure] that if we ask anything (make any request) according to His will (in agreement with His own plan), He listens to and hears us. And if (since) we [positively] know that He listens to us in whatever we ask, we also know [with settled and absolute knowledge] that we have [granted us as our present possessions] the requests made of Him. 1 John 5:14-15 AMP

This… where is this? How I LONG for settled and absolute knowledge. I’m seeking and searching. I want to mesh it with my life experience and make sense of all of it

The struggle lies in the fact that I want and need an explanation.  I want a sense of understanding. My pride leads me to fight against authority. To fight someone or something I am unable to physically touch or logically define.  To fight a system I can’t control or manipulate to how I see fit. I want to be in on the plan, to fully understand it and get all the details. But maybe if I was I’d somehow screw it up. I have only a human understanding of this world that was created. In my minute knowledge I get angry about injustice and unfairness. How much more so does the creator who designed this whole thing? With the intent that there would be perfect union between creator and His created. That the created would want only to spend time with the ONE who is fully satisfying, yet heartbreakingly salivates and relentlessly pursues things that will eventually leave him/her empty.

For far too long I have simply gone through the motions truly believing I was sincere of heart. That I was holding fast to the hope that I had professed. The hope in what?... I’m starting wonder. Tradition? Ideas transferred from one mind to another. I get that scripture is active and alive. That it can be relevant to me now 5000 years later. But even then, I would have to fully understand the context and culture in which it was written. Understand what was taking place then, to get why certain mandates were prescribed. Women were possessions in the Bible. Am I to live my life as such now? In THIS culture? I shouldn’t even have a voice according to scripture. My example should be a quiet submissive nature. Unquestioning. So this is where I am at… so confused about what we take literally from the Bible and what we interpret to be only relevant to the current culture at the time. Do I throw out the Old Testament all together? Is it a roadblock to the gospel or does it pave the way for it?

And yet again I tire of the endless questions and seeking. Wanting simplistic answers to take away the doubt or angst within me. I want clear, precise information. Not cryptic, figure it out, mystical, up to interpretation language. Say it as it is. Like you mean it. No more stories or allegories or metaphors. Not what it “IS LIKE” but what it is in reality. Maybe my pea brain just can’t handle the truth.

My Bible stares at me just asking me to open it. And I want to… but with fresh, unadulterated eyes. A mind and heart with no preconceived ideas or expectations. An ability to take it all in as if it were the first time. Getting to know God on MY terms. Not anyone else’s.  Coming to conclusions for myself.  Communing with GOD and GOD alone. Not anyone else’s interpretation or understanding. Would we all arrive at the same place if our time with God was just that?  He and I alone. The sweet intimacy of His words in my ears, pure, God breathed fresh words. Untainted. Dehumanized.  Simply God uttering His soft, gentle words.

Then, would there even be room to question? Would I even care about the world around me? Wondering why or why I don’t do things. My motives would be God lead not guilt led. I would love freely without condition. Because it would be flowing from a never ending source. I will have tapped in to the living water and my thirst fully quenched.

GOD, I want to KNOW you. Not ideas of you or what others have concluded about you. But KNOW YOU. Is it possible? Can I handle it? How might my life look different?

You say that I will find you if I seek you with all my heart. Could it be my searching and seeking has not been for you? Because I’m not sure I HAVE found you. I’m still looking. But I’ll be damned if I don’t find you. And not just some epiphany of you. I want YOU God. And will settle for NOTHING LESS. Show up. I am waiting. 

I have vulnerably made this public. A pouring out of the depths of my soul. 

Join me if you dare to find GOD and GOD alone.

True to Myself

There was a method to my posting madness. I had a blog scheduled for Wednesday and Sunday nights. This was when my life was somewhat predictable and my walk with Jesus equally as such. Predictable.

I am not a big fan of change. I like things to stay the same and follow similar patterns of predictability.  I can tolerate an occasional differentiation in the order of things but for the most part I like to know what will happen next.

In the last few months things have been FAR from following the natural order of things. Not just a few things. It seems my LIFE has been in a pattern of chaos. For instance, as I went to find my child who had wandered off after church, I found him completely naked running down the hall behind the worship center. UNPREDICTABLE!  It seems those who know me most have wondered if what I write is what I really believe. And I too wonder the same thing. Just as I wrote   earlier about finding contentment in the mess, God knows I'm desperately TRYING to do that. But my success rate hasn't been too grand.

In these months of complete unpredictability I am desperate to believe what I always have. To have unswerving faith. My heart pours out from my hands what I want to be true. It’s just that my mind keeps taking unexpected turns.

I prefer to appear positive and turn what may sound despairing into more of a Pollyanna perspective. Possibly because I know my experiences in life are less daunting than others. That doesn’t stop me from questioning though. So I feel it necessary to be true to myself and admit that so often the words that cover the screen are just as much for me as they are for the audience I am writing to. Whoever that may be. I fear during this season, that my wonderings and doubts will bring everyone down with me. But then, I hear so many around me saying, I have doubted too.

Everyone doubts. 

And without resistance how will I/we ever grow?

So those that know me best will nod and say, yes, that’s what I thought. Because this IS what is going on with me right now.The questioning, the wrestling. I see it as a battle. Flesh and Spirit. Just like the battle Paul talks about in Romans. Only it’s not so much in what I do, but what I believe- which ultimately effects what I do. What I want desperately to believe I don’t and what I do believe I no longer want to. As the lies are being revealed I need to just let them all go. As difficult as that is. Funny, the name of this blog and the tagline I chose. What was I thinking?

This song has been my go to during this unpredictable phase of my life. The refining and stripping away of things I once was so sure of. At the end of the day, no matter my state of mind, spiritual condition or life in general the one thing I can confidently say that I believe is God will never leave me nor forsake me. Or anyone for that matter.

Read the lyrics below as you listen and be blessed. 

Join me if you like as we navigate down this road of complete unpredictability and trust God is with us the entire way.

O my soul- Audrey Assad 

Rivers and stones and the trees of the field, they sing in the night
And a thousand tongues lay deep in your lungs to raise to the sky
don't lie to yourself, o my soul—love your God.

Deep in your heart you feather and tar your folly and fear:
expose them for the fools they are, and the world comes clear.
Don't lie to yourself, o my soul—love your God.

Your worries will never love you
They'll leave you all alone
But your God will not forsake you
O my soul.

Deep in your heart you feather and tar your folly and fear:
expose them for the fools they are, and the world comes clear.
Don't lie to yourself, o my soul—love your God.

Your worries will never love you
They'll leave you all alone
But your God will not forsake you
O my soul.

A Step Back- Viewing the Tapestry of Motherhood

I have been taking a step back from things.  I am trying to observe more. Contemplate things. Desperately trying to listen more, rather than spout out everything that comes to mind. As you can imagine, that is very hard for me to do. I have continued to write. In fact I have a cue of blogs on all that has been taking place. Some I may publish. Others might need to stay unpublished indefinitely.

My high school History teacher would always use the analogy that our lives are like a tapestry.  We can only see the back side which looks rough and mangled and out of order but when it’s turned over a beautiful masterpiece has been created.  From time to time I catch a glimpse of the front side of my tapestry, especially when I take step back.

The lineage of women in my life is something that I often take for granted. But as I sat down to write Mother’s day cards to not only my mom but my grandmothers as well, I couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed by how rich I am. How fortunate I have been.  I have had the rare privilege of growing up with both sets of grandparents and two great grandmothers- one of which has passed on into eternity, but the other is still going strong. And I mean strong. Yet every one of them has been strong.  Faithful, devoted, committed, loving servants to all.  Giving, gracious, generous.  Each of them in love with God in their own way. 

When it comes to mothering, we all know how short we fall of perfection.  How much we lack in certain areas. I’m sure each of my grandmothers could talk about how their mom didn’t do such and such as my mom could say my grandma didn’t do so and so and I could say of my mom not doing this and that and Jack and Finn will say…. You get the point. I am constantly aware of my screw ups and failures and want so badly to be the best mom ever.  Yet I know no matter how great I do, they will have something to say later in life about something I did or didn’t do.

But as I age and continue to walk this road of motherhood and consider the legacy of mothers before me, I realize the shortcomings don’t make up the whole. Just like the tapestry, in the moment and even sometimes moments far removed, all we can see is the rough, mangled out of order mess that our lives are in. Our relationships with our children or our mothers.  The screw ups, the blow ups, the words wrecklessly used, the silences, the resentments, the hurt, the anger. The backside. But on the other side are the tender words and affection, the laughs and happy tears, the long conversations, the understanding, the love, the forgiveness. Weaving together a beautiful masterpiece over a lifetime.

I step back and see this legacy of women and run my fingers over the perfectly placed threads on the front side. And I smile. And I am proud. And I am humbled. Because I know the back does not look pretty  and I can’t forget  nor deny that the reason all of it forms a beautiful picture is because grace unwinds the mess and makes it the masterpiece.

So this Mother’s day, no matter what your view, remember that this is not the end. Whether you are 93 or 23. Old mother, young mother. The tapestry of your life is being woven and from where you are standing you may not see the masterpiece.  Take a step back, take a deep breath and trust in the fact that the threads are piecing together as they should.  And you have the chance now, the breath now to say those tender words and shower affection, to share the laughs and happy tears, long conversations and understanding. You can pour out unconditional love, and extend forgiveness, not only to others, but to yourself. And if your mother has passed cherish the good times. And if you grieve this day because you are not by biological definition a “mother” you too have the power to be an influence in the life of another.

I know how much I cherish the influences in my life.  And how much I hope to pass on the devotion and faithfulness that has been modeled to me so graciously. Not only to my children but to all I encounter.

Join me in celebrating the joys and aches that form the masterpiece of motherhood.

Comparison vs. Inspiration- a follow up to Esther Envy

Thanks to a comment made by an anonymous source on the Esther blog- I started thinking a little bit more about this idea of “envy” which could essentially be boiled down to comparison.

It is a natural tendency of mine as a woman to compare. I can’t even tell you when it all began. It is almost as if it is just innate, inborn.  And it is so hard not to fight the urge. Facebook is notorious for evoking feelings of inadequacy and ineptness. Seeing all those beautifully decorated houses, perfectly posed family pictures, exotic vacation experiences, exclusively organic home cooked meals, well organized toy bins. I read other blogs that put mine to shame. Have far more spiritual depth and relevance or are ridiculously hilarious- and more widely read.  The comparison becomes a thief of my confidence in how I was created and who actually created me. I lose my bearing, get caught up in the tide drowning in an ocean of I wish I could do that, be like her, look that way, have that perspective.

So then, I feel it almost necessary to reinvent myself to be relevant, up to par, socially acceptable. To be more like that writer or mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend.  But try as I may I am unable to really change the core of who I am and how I was designed, how I process information or respond in stressful situations.  And that is actually a GOOD thing. There is a reason. A method to the madness.  With every gift there is a strength and weakness that accompanies it. So often, we see ONLY the strengths of others and ONLY the weaknesses in ourselves. (** side note, I wrote this a month ago before the recent Dove video was circulating all over the internet. It shows exactly this. How others see us vs. how we see ourselves. If you haven't seen it, it's worth a view here)

The perception we have of ourselves vs. those that we have of others is so skewed. We tend to project our thoughts about a person on them, assuming they too see the same in themselves.  When in reality all people struggle with doubt and insecurity on some level.  Some are just better at overcoming those thoughts. So should we be jealous or feel inferior? Or take note and be inspired that someone else walking this same journey called life has found the strength to fight the negative voices that are constantly screaming at them too. They decided to take a risk, a leap of faith, trusting that if God is for them who could be against them? Can we be grateful for the gifts God has given them and appreciate how they build, encourage and edify the body?  And can we stop feeling that if OUR voice isn’t being heard on a larger scale that we don’t matter? That all parts of the body are necessary to allow it to function properly and to the best of its ability.  Without a pinky toe we would be thrown off balance. How much credit does that toe really get? Or any toe for that matter? But it is necessary. And the pinky toe doesn’t spend its day wishing it were an eye. Putting itself down because its function of the body isn’t as glamorous or well known, or talked about much.

I find that my focus needs to be so single minded. That I allow so many things to entangle me and keep me from forging ahead in my relationship with the Lord and making His priorities mine. Your will not mine. And I’ve started to wonder if instead of becoming discouraged by other’s success could I rejoice with them and derive a sense of inspiration? They may have a wider realm of influence. But they don’t know the same people I know. They aren’t living in the same house with this family. Only me. Their talents and abilities may be more glamorous or well known but that is not nor should ever be my concern.

I read this http://www.servelec.net/mothertheresa.htm interview with Mother Teresa several years ago and it has always stuck with me.  Her single minded focus to serve Jesus by serving the poor, completely undistracted by outside thoughts or opinions- that is how I want to live. She is an inspiration to me. God gave her a passion, she pursued it by only listening to His voice and guidance and pressed on. Human just like me. A woman just like me. With far fewer material resources. Her gift of mercy became well known but was not glamorous by any means.In our pursuit to “make a name for ourselves” we put others down to elevate ourselves. We claw and fight and gossip and belittle others out of our lack of focus on the one true goal. Our inability to accept our God given gifts distracts us from accomplishing all He has for us. And I am fully guilty of doing all of the above. And the enemy rejoices.But what if as women, we chose to love, accept, encourage and inspire one another to be ALL God created each one of us to be? To appreciate the gifts we see those around us exhibiting and give praise to God for those beautiful things. Not to be down on ourselves for not having that particular ability.If you are unable to read all of the interview, read this. Could we all humbly view ourselves as an instrument to be used by God however He sees fit and to rest in that, knowing He will complete the work He has begun and all glory be given to Him alone?

 “ … I don't claim anything of the work. It's His work. I'm like a little pencil in His hand. That's all. He does the thinking. He does the writing. The pencil has nothing to do it. The pencil has only to be allowed to be used. In human terms, the success of our work should not have happened, no? That is a sign that it's His work, and that He is using others as instruments - all our Sisters. None of us could produce this. Yet see what He has done.” – Mother Teresa

Join me in the fight for our attention and preoccupation with what truly matters. To find inspiration in the talents of others and glorify God because of them. And rest contented in the life He has called us to live. Single minded in the pursuit of glorifying Him alone. x

Sore Loser

I am not competitive by nature. I like to play games just for the fun of it really. If I lose I tend to be a little disappointed but mostly content to have enjoyed the process. Unless I lose to my husband of course, who has to be one of the worst winners I know. He tries to play it off as modest humility but really-- he rubs it in.

It turns out in life I’m a horrible loser. When it comes to loss I become just like a 4 yr old who has lost to Candyland. Yelling, tossing the game board, pieces flying everywhere, storming off, silent treatment. That pretty much sums me up.

In the last few months there have been more losses than I can count on both hands, some not directly related to me, others very close to home. And I am trying desperately to convince my heart with all the words I’ve said before and have been said to me—God is with you, God will work all things together for good, God is in control, He feels your pain, He’s endured loss. But my heart is shattered and the pieces scattered and the words aren’t quite mending them all back together.

For some reason it’s not adding up. And the pat answers just aren’t cutting it. I want to be the one so confident in her loving Father.  Who can smile in the midst of pain and have a joyful spirit pointing everyone to Him. But I find myself wallowing in my sorrow and just as I’m ready to emerge from my pit I’m knocked back down again. Yelling, flailing, doubts flying everywhere, storming off from the truth and offering no more than silent treatment.

When I began this blog I had no idea the journey that I would face. I’m almost embarrassed that every post is something dark or morose.  I commented to someone the other day that I have fallen into the false notion that life would be easy, so when reality hits, it hits me hard. I know Christ came to restore and redeem. I’m just struggling at the moment to see the redemptive aspects of His resurrection. So much evil taints my vision. So I want to share what I am finding comfort in. I wish I could type out the whole chapter but to avoid accusations of plagiarism, I will just include the bits that speak to me the most. Ann Voskamp has penned my thoughts in her book, One Thousand Gifts, but has a divine perspective that I am seeking to achieve as I walk this valley of devastating loss. The chapter is entitled, “What in the world, in all this world, is grace?

“Joy and pain, they are but two arteries of the one heart that pumps through all those who don’t numb themselves to really living. .. Yet I know it in the vein and the visceral: life is loss. Every day, the gnawing… What will I lose? Health? Comfort? Hope? Eventually, I am guaranteed to lose every earthly thing I have ever possessed. When will I lose? Today? In a few weeks? How much time have I got before the next loss? Who will I lose? And that’s definite: I will lose every single person I have ever loved. Either abruptly or eventually. All relationships end in loss. Am I prepared for that?

This whole chapter is FULL of honestly looking at the pain we face in our lifetime but bringing it around beautifully full circle to the ONE who gave thanks before giving away His life enduring suffering and pain beyond (most of) our experiences.  I am omitting large chunks that are so meaty but shamelessly plugging this most incredible book… so if you like what I’ve included get it!!! This last part is her realization of what grace truly is. And this is where I’m trying to be:

And I see what I am. I’m amputated. I have hacked my life up into grace moments and curse moments. The chopping that has cut myself off from the embracing love of a God who “does not enjoy hurting people or cuaisng them sorrow” (Lamentations 3:33), but labors to birth grief into greater grace. Isn’t this the crux of the gospel? ….That suffering nourishes grace, and pain and joy are arteries of the same heart—and mourning and dancing are but movements in His unfinished symphony of beauty. Can I believe the gospel, that God is patiently transfiguring all the notes of my life into the song of His Son? What in the world, in all this world is grace? I can say it certain now: All is grace… God is always good and I am always loved.

Astounding perspective. This is how I long to view my life. Covered in Grace. And echo the words of God’s considerable servant Job, “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.”

In the midst of all this losing I have done my fair share of whining, crying and pitching a fit. I’ve been asking some really tough questions and not finding a whole lot of answers. But I’m so thankful for the honesty of Ann’s words and her willingness to admit how difficult things can be at times. Even more so for her ability to SEE God in and amongst the hurt. How His grace is laced through every fiber of our being and living.

And I am yet again clinging, desperate to believe the words: “God is always good and I am always loved.” Not just for me but for all who hurt around me.  And when I choose to believe then I know we win. Technically we have already won. For death was defeated once and for all through the death of Christ and new life has begun through His resurrection.  So her words and these ...I will keep going. And understand that losing is all a part of this game called life. But we ultimately have the victory. In Jesus Name. 

Join me as we strive to hear the melody God is creating with His grace in this broken world.