Reciprocation: the
act of making or doing something in return
So can I reciprocate the same attitude towards God? This God
who formed the Earth in a single breath? The God who designed a body with a
heart that beats and lungs that breathe fresh air and a brain that controls
every function to keep the body alive? This God that has the power to do
anything and everything He wants and yet CHOOSES not to in order to allow us
free will. Recently, I wrote something after a friend of mine experienced the
tragic loss of her husband. And it fits perfectly with this idea of wanted.
This God that wants me for me- can I in turn want Him just for Him?
When faced with the
reality of death my thoughts reveal the faultiness of my faith. My friend lost
her husband tragically leaving her and a 6mo old daughter behind. My response
is , God- how could you? A family devoted to loving and serving you, why would
you allow this to happen? Now yet ANOTHER fatherless daughter… how will you fix
this? Where were you? What were you thinking?
It’s hard to admit.
I’m embarrassed to even write the thoughts.
But I have mulled over them too long to let them remain stagnant in my
head. And as I ask and process, there He is gently loving, waiting , stripping
away all the false beliefs I have ignorantly clung to but fervently claimed to
be my faith in Christ.
After all these years
of being a “Christ follower” I am ashamed to realize how skewed my perception
of God continues to be; where I have really placed my trust. I’m still haunted
by rules to follow and good deeds to check off the list in order to be
“approved” by the Father. But approval in this sick way of living isn’t even my
end goal. I equate approval with favor meaning, if I do abc then I will GET xyz. If I live my life free of bad choices
and go out of my way to be nice and kind then SURELY the Lord will look upon me
and grant me my every desire. It is not
my LOVE for God that drives me. Not what I can do for Him. Rather what HE can
do for ME. So I see tragedy as a completely unfair and unwarranted act that
COULD have been prevented by an all loving God but wasn’t. And I get angry and
I present to Him the list of amazing things I or others have done for HIM,
shake my fists and demand an explanation.
I worship the god of
comfort and security; the god that doesn’t ruffle feathers or shake things up.
I want consistency and predictability and I am hell bent on justice and
fairness. How have I justified these idols in my mind to mean that I worship
the one true God? When did I equate the
love of God with getting what I want all the time and assuming that clearly by
surrendering my life to Him, all of what I desire must be FROM him. So doesn’t He want the same things? And
wouldn’t he stop at NOTHING to make sure they happen? Because God knows I SURE
WOULD. Thus I see God being a control
freak, just like me.
And what ever made me
think that I had any influence? That in essence by performing a certain way I
could control God to control my circumstances. Have I so easily forgotten there
are other forces at work? And could I ever conclude that God is IN the midst of
all circumstances good and bad—working His good, pleasing and perfect
will. That He desperately wants to be
seen and loved as much as I do. Not for
what He can do for me, but simply just for Himself. He doesn’t NEED this
from me rather he wants this from me. And he has stopped at NOTHING to make it
possible. Sending His son to be an example of selfless love and living to die
in my place and make me right before Him. Aimee- my beloved, loved one come to
me and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you for it is easy and my burden
is light.
These blessings I hold
onto so tightly, that were given so freely and generously. I hold onto with a
sense of entitlement, that I deserve them, that I earned them. Yes, I will praise
and thank the One that gave them, but didn’t I follow all the rules and check
off all the right things in order to get them? So who really gets the praise in
the end? And when suddenly those things
are taken from me—who gets the blame? How dare you, after all I have done for
you. Does God’s heart break and say, I
thought you loved me for me. I
wallow in my pity and He still cares and loves. I kick and scream and he holds
me gently. I am so much like my three
year olds. I yell and demand and expect and take without an expression of
gratitude. And as soon as I don’t get my way I throw a fit and say things that
are ugly and show how little I have grown up.
I was never promised a
life free of pain but a life of abundance. I was never promised a carefree life
but that I would face troubles and to take heart because the One I claim to
believe in has overcome the world. I lack trust when I say I believe. (Help
my unbelief!!)
My precious friend has
exhibited more grace and unfettered trust in the One who put the world in
motion, who gives and takes away. She embraces the life her husband lived as a
gift, not only for herself but for all of those he touched. And acknowledges
that his passion and fervor for the Lord was necessary to achieve all the Lord
had planned for him in his short time on earth.
I ended this piece by saying that I was unable to sing a
worship song the weekend this tragedy took place…
And I wondered if she
could. And I know now, that her faith is not based on what God can do for her.
He has already done everything for her and she believes and trusts in Him. And
I am moved, inspired and encouraged. I
long to move forward in my relationship with the Lord beyond the gimmes and
simply choose to love Him for Him. And live my life in a way that losing
her husband would not be in vain.
The song was 10,000 Reasons. Bless the Lord Oh my soul. Oh
my soul. Simply for Who HE IS. Oh my soul can you bless without any
expectation? “whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me- let me be singing
til the evening comes.”
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