Breathing

…and yet, on those days the blessings are extra hard to recognize I simply have to thank God that I kept the kids alive and I am still breathing.

Defeated, discouraged, disheartened. As a mom these are often reoccurring feelings and emotions I battle.  I wake up determined TODAY will be a good day. I will exhibit patience and kindness. Joy and encouragement. Gentleness and love. I reaffirm these desires in my genie prayer to God- please grant me the things mentioned above amen.

And I’m off. Off to tackle the day ahead full of promise and hope. Pulling God along to join me on my day and BAM. Not even 5 minutes and I’ve already lost it. Raised my voice, spoke sarcastically, my encouragement was given condescendingly- UGH. Try again. Sorry God, please help me. Once again, acknowledging I need His help but really in my head thinking I got this. Breakfast time. Demands, whining, no thank yous. REALLY GOD? How do you expect me to show patience with this kind of behavior? (exactly what you asked for my dear) 6 more help me God prayers later and I think story time will calm us all down.  I envision a hallmark moment, the three of us cuddling on the couch enjoying a story together and I’m startled into reality with fighting over what story we will read and who will sit where. Halfway through the story one is wandering off towards the toys and the other interrupts and says can we watch a movie? ALL I AM DOING FOR YOU??? FINE. You wanna watch a movie go ahead.  No longer praying for God’s help because clearly He isn’t.

Can anyone else relate? Or is it just me. I find myself feeling so isolated in this job as a mother. I look around me and see so many moms gloating about their children, how wonderful they are and how much they love being a mom.  So the guilt sets in. And I evaluate my behavior and performance and it scores way below average.  I have disappointed myself, my kids and my God. 

But then the craziest thing happens. At the end of the day, after all the ways I expressed my anger and frustration, lost my temper, pouted, retreated, accused, ignored- basically fleshed out my day, my boys want to give me a hug and a kiss. And they can’t get enough.  They tell me they love me.

ME.

And I’m speechless really. These little extensions of God’s grace. The ones I’m supposed to be teaching about God and His love and His grace- are teaching me.

They could focus on all the things I did wrong (like I do) instead they choose to see the best in me (like God does).  This daily battle of flesh and spirit, I always see the flesh winning. But I am more than a conqueror. And this battle has already been won. 

So I will wake up another day and try again, only girded with the truth that it is not up to me and my ability but He who has conquered the grave. And I will choose to see the best in my boys and MYSELF. And my new words will be Victorious, Encouraged, Overjoyed.  I will seek to allow God to lead me through my day rather than the other way around.

I will fail, but His grace is sufficient. I am weak but He is strong. 

    My flesh and my heart may fail,
    but God is the strength of my heart
    and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26

Join me in praising the one who is our strength and portion. 

And then for a glass of wine after a rather difficult day ;)