True to Myself

There was a method to my posting madness. I had a blog scheduled for Wednesday and Sunday nights. This was when my life was somewhat predictable and my walk with Jesus equally as such. Predictable.

I am not a big fan of change. I like things to stay the same and follow similar patterns of predictability.  I can tolerate an occasional differentiation in the order of things but for the most part I like to know what will happen next.

In the last few months things have been FAR from following the natural order of things. Not just a few things. It seems my LIFE has been in a pattern of chaos. For instance, as I went to find my child who had wandered off after church, I found him completely naked running down the hall behind the worship center. UNPREDICTABLE!  It seems those who know me most have wondered if what I write is what I really believe. And I too wonder the same thing. Just as I wrote   earlier about finding contentment in the mess, God knows I'm desperately TRYING to do that. But my success rate hasn't been too grand.

In these months of complete unpredictability I am desperate to believe what I always have. To have unswerving faith. My heart pours out from my hands what I want to be true. It’s just that my mind keeps taking unexpected turns.

I prefer to appear positive and turn what may sound despairing into more of a Pollyanna perspective. Possibly because I know my experiences in life are less daunting than others. That doesn’t stop me from questioning though. So I feel it necessary to be true to myself and admit that so often the words that cover the screen are just as much for me as they are for the audience I am writing to. Whoever that may be. I fear during this season, that my wonderings and doubts will bring everyone down with me. But then, I hear so many around me saying, I have doubted too.

Everyone doubts. 

And without resistance how will I/we ever grow?

So those that know me best will nod and say, yes, that’s what I thought. Because this IS what is going on with me right now.The questioning, the wrestling. I see it as a battle. Flesh and Spirit. Just like the battle Paul talks about in Romans. Only it’s not so much in what I do, but what I believe- which ultimately effects what I do. What I want desperately to believe I don’t and what I do believe I no longer want to. As the lies are being revealed I need to just let them all go. As difficult as that is. Funny, the name of this blog and the tagline I chose. What was I thinking?

This song has been my go to during this unpredictable phase of my life. The refining and stripping away of things I once was so sure of. At the end of the day, no matter my state of mind, spiritual condition or life in general the one thing I can confidently say that I believe is God will never leave me nor forsake me. Or anyone for that matter.

Read the lyrics below as you listen and be blessed. 

Join me if you like as we navigate down this road of complete unpredictability and trust God is with us the entire way.

O my soul- Audrey Assad 

Rivers and stones and the trees of the field, they sing in the night
And a thousand tongues lay deep in your lungs to raise to the sky
don't lie to yourself, o my soul—love your God.

Deep in your heart you feather and tar your folly and fear:
expose them for the fools they are, and the world comes clear.
Don't lie to yourself, o my soul—love your God.

Your worries will never love you
They'll leave you all alone
But your God will not forsake you
O my soul.

Deep in your heart you feather and tar your folly and fear:
expose them for the fools they are, and the world comes clear.
Don't lie to yourself, o my soul—love your God.

Your worries will never love you
They'll leave you all alone
But your God will not forsake you
O my soul.