Sore Loser

I am not competitive by nature. I like to play games just for the fun of it really. If I lose I tend to be a little disappointed but mostly content to have enjoyed the process. Unless I lose to my husband of course, who has to be one of the worst winners I know. He tries to play it off as modest humility but really-- he rubs it in.

It turns out in life I’m a horrible loser. When it comes to loss I become just like a 4 yr old who has lost to Candyland. Yelling, tossing the game board, pieces flying everywhere, storming off, silent treatment. That pretty much sums me up.

In the last few months there have been more losses than I can count on both hands, some not directly related to me, others very close to home. And I am trying desperately to convince my heart with all the words I’ve said before and have been said to me—God is with you, God will work all things together for good, God is in control, He feels your pain, He’s endured loss. But my heart is shattered and the pieces scattered and the words aren’t quite mending them all back together.

For some reason it’s not adding up. And the pat answers just aren’t cutting it. I want to be the one so confident in her loving Father.  Who can smile in the midst of pain and have a joyful spirit pointing everyone to Him. But I find myself wallowing in my sorrow and just as I’m ready to emerge from my pit I’m knocked back down again. Yelling, flailing, doubts flying everywhere, storming off from the truth and offering no more than silent treatment.

When I began this blog I had no idea the journey that I would face. I’m almost embarrassed that every post is something dark or morose.  I commented to someone the other day that I have fallen into the false notion that life would be easy, so when reality hits, it hits me hard. I know Christ came to restore and redeem. I’m just struggling at the moment to see the redemptive aspects of His resurrection. So much evil taints my vision. So I want to share what I am finding comfort in. I wish I could type out the whole chapter but to avoid accusations of plagiarism, I will just include the bits that speak to me the most. Ann Voskamp has penned my thoughts in her book, One Thousand Gifts, but has a divine perspective that I am seeking to achieve as I walk this valley of devastating loss. The chapter is entitled, “What in the world, in all this world, is grace?

“Joy and pain, they are but two arteries of the one heart that pumps through all those who don’t numb themselves to really living. .. Yet I know it in the vein and the visceral: life is loss. Every day, the gnawing… What will I lose? Health? Comfort? Hope? Eventually, I am guaranteed to lose every earthly thing I have ever possessed. When will I lose? Today? In a few weeks? How much time have I got before the next loss? Who will I lose? And that’s definite: I will lose every single person I have ever loved. Either abruptly or eventually. All relationships end in loss. Am I prepared for that?

This whole chapter is FULL of honestly looking at the pain we face in our lifetime but bringing it around beautifully full circle to the ONE who gave thanks before giving away His life enduring suffering and pain beyond (most of) our experiences.  I am omitting large chunks that are so meaty but shamelessly plugging this most incredible book… so if you like what I’ve included get it!!! This last part is her realization of what grace truly is. And this is where I’m trying to be:

And I see what I am. I’m amputated. I have hacked my life up into grace moments and curse moments. The chopping that has cut myself off from the embracing love of a God who “does not enjoy hurting people or cuaisng them sorrow” (Lamentations 3:33), but labors to birth grief into greater grace. Isn’t this the crux of the gospel? ….That suffering nourishes grace, and pain and joy are arteries of the same heart—and mourning and dancing are but movements in His unfinished symphony of beauty. Can I believe the gospel, that God is patiently transfiguring all the notes of my life into the song of His Son? What in the world, in all this world is grace? I can say it certain now: All is grace… God is always good and I am always loved.

Astounding perspective. This is how I long to view my life. Covered in Grace. And echo the words of God’s considerable servant Job, “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.”

In the midst of all this losing I have done my fair share of whining, crying and pitching a fit. I’ve been asking some really tough questions and not finding a whole lot of answers. But I’m so thankful for the honesty of Ann’s words and her willingness to admit how difficult things can be at times. Even more so for her ability to SEE God in and amongst the hurt. How His grace is laced through every fiber of our being and living.

And I am yet again clinging, desperate to believe the words: “God is always good and I am always loved.” Not just for me but for all who hurt around me.  And when I choose to believe then I know we win. Technically we have already won. For death was defeated once and for all through the death of Christ and new life has begun through His resurrection.  So her words and these ...I will keep going. And understand that losing is all a part of this game called life. But we ultimately have the victory. In Jesus Name. 

Join me as we strive to hear the melody God is creating with His grace in this broken world.