A Safe Route- reentry into blogging

I have three kids. A house to clean. Meals to make. Laundry to do. The list could go on and on.

And yet.

I can't stop writing.

I burn with these thoughts and ideas and epiphanies and they flow out of my hands like water but I keep trying to dam them up because of all these superficial reasons. 

The underlying root to all of my excuses is Fear. Fear of other's perceptions. Fear of feedback or lack thereof. 

I sat with a friend today over donuts and coffee explaining how I feel I've become numb and I am so desperate to FEEL again. I want to reclaim my sense of awe and wonder. I'm tired of the mundane feeling so mundane. My eyes need adjusting. I know I have slowed down but clearly not enough to notice. To notice ALL of the beauty that life offers.  

It is time I am honest with myself and that I accept how I have been wired. I am always thinking. Asking questions. Analyzing, dissecting, wondering why and how. ALL.THE.TIME. And mainly, all of this thinking revolves around God and spirituality. So much of my upbringing involved such and I am obsessed with it. Can't seem to escape it. My mind is full of it. It is annoying. But, apparently it is who I am. 

So in my effort to shut it up and lock it away I am literally bursting inside. For a time it became my outlet, then it became some kind of competition in my mind. I was glued to the screen counting likes and comments. Wondering what relevant thing or topic I could write about next. Then I started feeling beige as though I was blending in with everyone else saying the same old things. My worth was diminished by my lack of following and I decided it was time to shut it down. 

No more. This is the seepage of my closed off musings. They can no longer be contained. And I have made up my mind that it will benefit those it needs to and be ignored by those who don't need it. Some may like it, challenge it or down right disagree with it. That is ok. I have decided it is better to allow myself to do what I was made to do than to run the other way thinking surely there is something better. It is better to feel than to become numb. Stagnant. Suppressed. Time to face my fear. 

Am I strong enough? I don't know. Do I really have time to keep it up? Maybe. Maybe not. But until I run out of thoughts, I can no longer sit on the sidelines holding it all in. 

However, my initial reentry into the blogosphere will be in the form of book reviews. Because I am unable to shut off my mind I tend to find material that fuels the fire and gets me thinking even more. I applied to Speakeasy from a Richard Rohr email. They send me books to read and review. And that is what I will do.

So that is my new beginning. 

My safe route. 

And eventually the dam may break and the floodwaters of all my thoughts and opinions will freely flow. But for now a drip at a time. 

It feels good to release-if only just this much.

My first book to review is called: Jesus, Bread and Chocolate by John J. Thompson- "Crafting a hand made faith in a mass market world." 

Stay tuned....