A risk of losing readership

This refining isn't easy. And along this journey so much fallacy in my soul is being revealed. It hurts and I feel raw and exposed. But I have invited an audience to join me. So if you are willing to stumble down this road with me feel free. I understand if you leave me to it on my own though. Because nothing that follows in the paragraphs below is pretty. 

It all seems so fabricated, all this that I’ve been taught to believe, to be SO certain of--without a doubt. So when the questions start bubbling up I begin to drown. It seems that everyone else seems to be so sure. Whether it’s Christianity or not. They have the answers. Confident in their choices and decisions. Staunch in their beliefs- unwavering in their support of justice for all mankind. Joyful. It is all the things I’m SUPPOSED to feel and display and I come up short. I can no longer conjure up these contrived feelings and emotions.

It feels as though my spiritual heart has flat lined and all I can hear is the monotonous, continual beep.

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And yet to give up the fight would be to walk away from EVERYTHING I have ever been taught or experienced in my life.

I’m not drowning myself in scriptures (as I should be) but rather my sorrows (as feels natural). The consuming doubts and questions choke out any desire to open my Bible. There is pride and anger. Disappointment and distrust. My mind tells me what my good biblical self knows- the heart is deceptive above all else. I can’t trust myself or these things I think. I feel like I’m imploding.. simply going crazy. Not knowing what I believe anymore. My foundation is cracking and I’m falling in. And I think to myself… it must have been sand, I really thought I had built it on the rock.

But there’s a part of me that wants to stay in uncertainty… I fear becoming immersed back into the mindset of having the answers especially if they really are sinking sand.  The holes and weaknesses of my faith are being viciously exposed. And I have run out of scriptures to patch them all up. I’m throwing up my hands and saying, I give. I DON’T KNOW. I DON’T UNDERSTAND. I want to answer the whys and I can’t.  And I desperately want to follow those words with uplifting, inspiring thoughts that bring me back to the almighty creator, who is gracious, kind and loving in all that He does. Desperately.

So I’m looking up in my desperation. And I am waiting. Impatiently waiting. Will He answer when I call?

And this is the confidence (the assurance, the privilege of boldness) which we have in Him: [we are sure] that if we ask anything (make any request) according to His will (in agreement with His own plan), He listens to and hears us. And if (since) we [positively] know that He listens to us in whatever we ask, we also know [with settled and absolute knowledge] that we have [granted us as our present possessions] the requests made of Him. 1 John 5:14-15 AMP

This… where is this? How I LONG for settled and absolute knowledge. I’m seeking and searching. I want to mesh it with my life experience and make sense of all of it

The struggle lies in the fact that I want and need an explanation.  I want a sense of understanding. My pride leads me to fight against authority. To fight someone or something I am unable to physically touch or logically define.  To fight a system I can’t control or manipulate to how I see fit. I want to be in on the plan, to fully understand it and get all the details. But maybe if I was I’d somehow screw it up. I have only a human understanding of this world that was created. In my minute knowledge I get angry about injustice and unfairness. How much more so does the creator who designed this whole thing? With the intent that there would be perfect union between creator and His created. That the created would want only to spend time with the ONE who is fully satisfying, yet heartbreakingly salivates and relentlessly pursues things that will eventually leave him/her empty.

For far too long I have simply gone through the motions truly believing I was sincere of heart. That I was holding fast to the hope that I had professed. The hope in what?... I’m starting wonder. Tradition? Ideas transferred from one mind to another. I get that scripture is active and alive. That it can be relevant to me now 5000 years later. But even then, I would have to fully understand the context and culture in which it was written. Understand what was taking place then, to get why certain mandates were prescribed. Women were possessions in the Bible. Am I to live my life as such now? In THIS culture? I shouldn’t even have a voice according to scripture. My example should be a quiet submissive nature. Unquestioning. So this is where I am at… so confused about what we take literally from the Bible and what we interpret to be only relevant to the current culture at the time. Do I throw out the Old Testament all together? Is it a roadblock to the gospel or does it pave the way for it?

And yet again I tire of the endless questions and seeking. Wanting simplistic answers to take away the doubt or angst within me. I want clear, precise information. Not cryptic, figure it out, mystical, up to interpretation language. Say it as it is. Like you mean it. No more stories or allegories or metaphors. Not what it “IS LIKE” but what it is in reality. Maybe my pea brain just can’t handle the truth.

My Bible stares at me just asking me to open it. And I want to… but with fresh, unadulterated eyes. A mind and heart with no preconceived ideas or expectations. An ability to take it all in as if it were the first time. Getting to know God on MY terms. Not anyone else’s.  Coming to conclusions for myself.  Communing with GOD and GOD alone. Not anyone else’s interpretation or understanding. Would we all arrive at the same place if our time with God was just that?  He and I alone. The sweet intimacy of His words in my ears, pure, God breathed fresh words. Untainted. Dehumanized.  Simply God uttering His soft, gentle words.

Then, would there even be room to question? Would I even care about the world around me? Wondering why or why I don’t do things. My motives would be God lead not guilt led. I would love freely without condition. Because it would be flowing from a never ending source. I will have tapped in to the living water and my thirst fully quenched.

GOD, I want to KNOW you. Not ideas of you or what others have concluded about you. But KNOW YOU. Is it possible? Can I handle it? How might my life look different?

You say that I will find you if I seek you with all my heart. Could it be my searching and seeking has not been for you? Because I’m not sure I HAVE found you. I’m still looking. But I’ll be damned if I don’t find you. And not just some epiphany of you. I want YOU God. And will settle for NOTHING LESS. Show up. I am waiting. 

I have vulnerably made this public. A pouring out of the depths of my soul. 

Join me if you dare to find GOD and GOD alone.