Clinging

My mind has been reeling, desperately trying to make sense out of some things I just can’t understand. I ask why? How could it have been different? What could I have done?

In all my efforts in trying to figure it out I end up back in the same place.

With no answers.

No solutions.

I’m tired mentally, emotionally and physically.

I want to be like everyone I see around me, so confident in their faith and hope. I sing the words, I hear the words, I write the words but they seem empty lately.

I have been violently forced back to the place where I was several weeks ago only on a larger scale. Face to face with my lack of belief and understanding of God.

And my mind has trailed off and my spirit has been wondering while wandering. Wondering if I’ve made it all up to make myself feel better. If it all really is a fairytale or make believe. The songs that once held such passion and truth in their message now a dull melody to me. I sit and I sulk in my questions.

What offer of hope can the world give anyone in light of losing a loved one? I search and come up short.

So I return to the One who says He has come:

  to bind up the brokenhearted,
    to proclaim freedom for the captives
    and release from darkness for the prisoners,^[a]
2 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
    and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
³     and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
    instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
    instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
    instead of a spirit of despair.

And on the same weekend I go to say goodbye to a dear, amazing friend, it's the same weekend we celebrate Easter. The risen Lord. This man/God who read those words above from the scroll and claimed to all He read it to in Luke 4:21, “Today this scripture is fulfilled in your hearing.”

That verse always gives me chills. Good chills. The kinds that warms me all over. He spoke with such authority and certainty. And I HAVE to believe because nothing else makes any sense to me.

I can’t answer the whys of all I have endured the last few days. I don’t understand and I refuse to throw out some fluffy clichés to make it all better. They don’t work.

What works or is in the process of working, is looking to this Christ. Fully man, Fully God- dying on behalf of the world so we might KNOW His Father and spend eternity with Him and all who love Him.

And when I look anywhere else I just don’t seem to derive as much comfort as I do in Jesus.

And all this pain and heartache that we experience on Earth IT MUST pale in comparison to the glorious riches we will have with Him. I’m counting on that. Hanging on to that.

While my friend’s life hung in the balance I wrote these words about her…

I made a deal with God today. Not really verbally just mentally- I didn’t have an official handshake or immediate confirmation of the deal. But I think we see eye to eye. I have threatened with my anger, doubt and unbelief. Funny thing is I’ve already been wrestling with those anyways so it wasn’t much of a threat.

So much hinges on this deal. Like a husband and 4 little lives. A mom and dad, brother and countless friends and family that are waiting as patiently as possible to hear what they desperately long to hear. She is getting better, improving, will be back to herself in a couple weeks.

See my dear friend of nearly 20 years has become suddenly ill to the point of induced coma. I called her just last night to “catch up” as we do when we get the chance, she with 4 kids me with twins it is often hard to have a conversation. Little did I know when I called she was teetering on the brink of death.

Another startle into reality and I’m finding myself incredulous at how short our lives really are and how we are not guaranteed tomorrow.

This girl is one of a kind. Incredibly smart, beautiful, kind, innocent, resourceful, patient, honest, genuine, loyal, funny. A true friend. Her ability to maintain sanity in a household with 4 kids while fixing dinner and listening to my woes of having twins is uncanny. She is steadfast and unwavering in her commitments. I admire her for all of these things.

Any time I start to feel sorry for myself, about how tough I have it with twins, I would think about her. Going on nearly 10 years without much of a break she has dutifully looked after her 4 children whilst moving 7  times across state lines.  When things looked bleak and she wasn’t sure what the future held she would always say “God has a plan” and she would trust. And she has always been right.  She is like a rock. And how I want to say that to her now as her body is weak. Because I know she would say she hasn’t felt that strong in those moments but oh how the Lord made her strong. And I am trusting just as she has that God does have a plan and this isn’t in vain. That God will be her strength while her body is not.

I’ve often thought she could use a break, some time away, time for rest. So this is the deal I made with God- He can have her as long as He needs her right now in this “medically induced coma” refuel her, reenergize her, rejuvenate her mind, body and soul. But He MUST return her to us. Or else.

So I’m living the or else right now. Wrestling with the doubts, shedding the tears. But clinging desperately to hope. And taking a leaf from her book trusting that “God has a plan”.

And without Easter, I wouldn’t have the picture of my sweet Ashley in the arms of Jesus. Which is where I want, need, and have to believe her to be. It is my only hope.

Join me in praying for her dear sweet children and husband and all who knew her- that they can find hope in this very dark time.