Unlikely Voice- the unfiltered truth

It seems the majority of my posts focus so much on purpose and value. I speak from the heart and the reality is those are my top two struggles.

So the feedback I have received on what I have to say has been overwhelming to say the least. Of all the people in the world to have something, much less something meaningful to say, I certainly would not have expected my voice to have an impact. Hello, my name is Aimee and I am a self doubter.

I am finding that what I have often considered a weakness may just in fact be my biggest strength. I thrive on honesty. Blatant, unfiltered, completely authentic- no holding back honesty. In my narrow mind I have never understood any other way to live. Why would I lie?

Now, don’t get me wrong. I have a theatrical background and I do enjoy some drama from time to time. So I am guilty of embellishing, stretching and manipulating things so that they sound prettier, more exciting, less mundane.  And the longer I’ve lived the less “unfiltered” I have tried to become, careful not to offend or step on any toes. I also started to believe that no one wants to hear my sob story. Suck it up, get over it, move on, here’s a quarter... I have found that in the world and even in my own neighborhood so many others have had and continue to have it way worse than I ever have or could ever imagine.

And I also want to fluff things and make them more attractive or appealing because I profess Jesus as my Lord and Savior. A Christian should never focus on the negative but always emphasize the positive.  But to deny my story for the sake of making others feel more comfortable, less tampered with is essentially living a lie.

The raw truth is, I have struggled with depression from the time I was 13. Be it hormones, circumstances, or a chemical imbalance it is something I continually fight.  Some seasons are easier than others. Someone once told me that those who display the most joy have experienced deepest sorrow. Which makes me look at those I have admired for their joyful disposition- much differently.  And could it actually be that in order to KNOW joy and the fullness of what it beholds, one might actually have to walk through hard times or else it cannot be appreciated for what it truly is?

I find it ironic that for a girl who has continually tried to avoid pain or difficult circumstances, I chose to opt out of drugs for the delivery of my twins. I actually WANTED to experience the pain and to power through it. To give it everything I had to overcome the pain for the prize. I had to breathe A LOT and focus all of my mental energy on the goal and not the present suffering.  After 9 hours of laboring, I welcomed two strong, healthy baby boys. I had DONE it. I felt empowered and humbled. God granted me that experience that I now realize is a picture of His desire for me. For all of us. I could not have done any of that by myself. I had the support of my amazing husband (stood by my side every stubborn step of the way) and incredible nurses who believed in me and did everything possible to encourage me. And God, who has been with me every step of my journey loving, guiding, gently revealing His beauty, goodness and grace. The One that empowers me to do all things in Him and through Him. This God who suffered the ultimate betrayal, experienced sorrow on a level I may never know, who powered through the pain of rejection and bore the sins of all mankind. He allowed the goal to be his focus and His precious children to be His prize.

Whatever the thorn might be in your life, I encourage you, me, this unlikely voice who has often struggled to see the positive and lived days, weeks, months in a dark cloud-- to power through it. But certainly not on your own, or in your own strength.  For He has known the pain you face and He has the scars to prove it. And He desperately wants to carry you, equip you and empower you to set your eyes not on the present suffering but the incredible PRIZE He has in store. This prize that we catch glimpses of from time to time.  That joy unspeakable which will one day, be all day every day in His presence undiluted from the distractions of this Earth and the things the enemy throws our way. 

“ Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we’re in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he’s there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!”- Hebrews 12:2-3 the message.

Join me as I press on toward the goal. Let us run this race with endurance for our ultimate prize!

Breathing

…and yet, on those days the blessings are extra hard to recognize I simply have to thank God that I kept the kids alive and I am still breathing.

Defeated, discouraged, disheartened. As a mom these are often reoccurring feelings and emotions I battle.  I wake up determined TODAY will be a good day. I will exhibit patience and kindness. Joy and encouragement. Gentleness and love. I reaffirm these desires in my genie prayer to God- please grant me the things mentioned above amen.

And I’m off. Off to tackle the day ahead full of promise and hope. Pulling God along to join me on my day and BAM. Not even 5 minutes and I’ve already lost it. Raised my voice, spoke sarcastically, my encouragement was given condescendingly- UGH. Try again. Sorry God, please help me. Once again, acknowledging I need His help but really in my head thinking I got this. Breakfast time. Demands, whining, no thank yous. REALLY GOD? How do you expect me to show patience with this kind of behavior? (exactly what you asked for my dear) 6 more help me God prayers later and I think story time will calm us all down.  I envision a hallmark moment, the three of us cuddling on the couch enjoying a story together and I’m startled into reality with fighting over what story we will read and who will sit where. Halfway through the story one is wandering off towards the toys and the other interrupts and says can we watch a movie? ALL I AM DOING FOR YOU??? FINE. You wanna watch a movie go ahead.  No longer praying for God’s help because clearly He isn’t.

Can anyone else relate? Or is it just me. I find myself feeling so isolated in this job as a mother. I look around me and see so many moms gloating about their children, how wonderful they are and how much they love being a mom.  So the guilt sets in. And I evaluate my behavior and performance and it scores way below average.  I have disappointed myself, my kids and my God. 

But then the craziest thing happens. At the end of the day, after all the ways I expressed my anger and frustration, lost my temper, pouted, retreated, accused, ignored- basically fleshed out my day, my boys want to give me a hug and a kiss. And they can’t get enough.  They tell me they love me.

ME.

And I’m speechless really. These little extensions of God’s grace. The ones I’m supposed to be teaching about God and His love and His grace- are teaching me.

They could focus on all the things I did wrong (like I do) instead they choose to see the best in me (like God does).  This daily battle of flesh and spirit, I always see the flesh winning. But I am more than a conqueror. And this battle has already been won. 

So I will wake up another day and try again, only girded with the truth that it is not up to me and my ability but He who has conquered the grave. And I will choose to see the best in my boys and MYSELF. And my new words will be Victorious, Encouraged, Overjoyed.  I will seek to allow God to lead me through my day rather than the other way around.

I will fail, but His grace is sufficient. I am weak but He is strong. 

    My flesh and my heart may fail,
    but God is the strength of my heart
    and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26

Join me in praising the one who is our strength and portion. 

And then for a glass of wine after a rather difficult day ;)

Abundant

Living life to the full… there are so many interpretations of what that might mean. Before I had kids, time seemed to go so slowly. The Christmas season took forever to arrive. And once it was in full force, I could never get enough. Then winter would DRAG on before the dawn of spring. Living in Texas, no matter how slow time can pass, spring is NEVER long enough. Summer always seems to linger longer than wanted. Then fall creeps in with its dreary hue.

These days I can hardly keep up. I look at my calendar (that my anal retentive self marks off as days pass) and realize I’ve missed crossing off an entire week and it’s almost into the next month. (Don’t worry my OCD kicks in and all days are marked accordingly) I look over the month and wonder, What did I do with my time? This short time of a lifetime that seems to be fading away faster than I can say stop.

Don’t get me wrong. The days with twins can be LOONG and I mean loooooong. I spend my free time finding ways to keep my boys entertained. At three, these guys seem to think their purpose in life is to destroy every toy, book, thing that exists in this house and once that is completed (less than 2 seconds) they set out to find me and make sure I can do nothing other than tend to their ever impending need or desire. I find myself day dreaming of other places I’d rather be. Excursions to the Mediterranean full of wine and leisure time to explore the countryside. Heck, these days I’d settle for a quiet bubble bath for at least an hour with no interruptions.

But then that part of me that thinks, (and never stops thinking) wonders if I’m really living this life to the full. Am I embracing every moment, opportunity, glimpse of heaven that comes my way? And why does it seem that tragedy has to occur near me before I really inventory what I have been investing in?

There are times I’m forced to truly evaluate what really matters. If I knew tomorrow might be my last day, how would I spend today? Would I really get upset about milk on the floor? Or could I see past a minor spill to a face of pure innocence and vunerability that desperately needs to know he is loved for WHO he is not how he performs? Could I give up MY time to do what I want to read that same book for the millionth time, and find JOY in it? Because what IF it was the last time I COULD read it?

There are a number of songs written about living like you’re dying. And obviously, I seem to glean a lot from music. I can’t seem to just enjoy a song for its beat like my husband. No, I have to analyze the lyrics and figure out what the artist is trying to say. So, when I really think like living as if I were dying—I think BIG things. Heck yes I’m leaving on a jet plane to Italy. Why of course money is no object. Need something? You name it, I got it. Doesn’t matter, I won’t be here tomorrow. But then I think (again) why is it in the BIG things that I find meaning, abundant life?

As I mark the days off my calendar, I am reminded of how I have spent my days. Most are blank, those days I was just trying to get through. Some have events written- dance party, bowling with friends, dinner with new friends, weekly gathering with friends. These make me smile. Those times spent with people make my heart smile.

So then I wonder. Why should ANY day be blank? What if every day was labeled with something significant? It may not be a trip to Italy. But that moment when my child’s dimpled smiled made time stand still? When we were lying on the trampoline soaking up the sunshine and enjoying the presence of one another? Could each day have an event, a moment in time, that defined it? Because we are not called to a life of mundane, nor do we actually live one. No, we are given LIFE and life abundant. Is it possible that we are living such a life but are blinded to it? Do we focus more on the have nots and unfulfilled wishes? I say we, I mean me because I know that has been my M.O.

But this is my new M.O. No more blank dates. And even if I have crossed out a day and left it blank, the reality is, it was FULL. That day was full of grace, love, joy, blessings and peace. Yes, I might have experienced anger, frustration, bitterness and resentment. But if I were really living like I were dying, what would I choose to remember?

Yes. Those moments. That smile. That laugh. That kiss.

Life, Full, Abundant.

Join me in remembering and thanking God for a calendar full of good things.

Wanted: Part II

Reciprocation:  the act of making or doing something in return

So can I reciprocate the same attitude towards God? This God who formed the Earth in a single breath? The God who designed a body with a heart that beats and lungs that breathe fresh air and a brain that controls every function to keep the body alive? This God that has the power to do anything and everything He wants and yet CHOOSES not to in order to allow us free will. Recently, I wrote something after a friend of mine experienced the tragic loss of her husband. And it fits perfectly with this idea of wanted. This God that wants me for me- can I in turn want Him just for Him?

When faced with the reality of death my thoughts reveal the faultiness of my faith. My friend lost her husband tragically leaving her and a 6mo old daughter behind. My response is , God- how could you? A family devoted to loving and serving you, why would you allow this to happen? Now yet ANOTHER fatherless daughter… how will you fix this? Where were you? What were you thinking?

It’s hard to admit. I’m embarrassed to even write the thoughts.  But I have mulled over them too long to let them remain stagnant in my head. And as I ask and process, there He is gently loving, waiting , stripping away all the false beliefs I have ignorantly clung to but fervently claimed to be my faith in Christ.

After all these years of being a “Christ follower” I am ashamed to realize how skewed my perception of God continues to be; where I have really placed my trust. I’m still haunted by rules to follow and good deeds to check off the list in order to be “approved” by the Father. But approval in this sick way of living isn’t even my end goal. I equate approval with favor meaning, if I do abc then I will GET  xyz. If I live my life free of bad choices and go out of my way to be nice and kind then SURELY the Lord will look upon me and grant me my every desire. It is not my LOVE for God that drives me. Not what I can do for Him. Rather what HE can do for ME. So I see tragedy as a completely unfair and unwarranted act that COULD have been prevented by an all loving God but wasn’t. And I get angry and I present to Him the list of amazing things I or others have done for HIM, shake my fists and demand an explanation.

I worship the god of comfort and security; the god that doesn’t ruffle feathers or shake things up. I want consistency and predictability and I am hell bent on justice and fairness. How have I justified these idols in my mind to mean that I worship the one true God?  When did I equate the love of God with getting what I want all the time and assuming that clearly by surrendering my life to Him, all of what I desire must be FROM him.  So doesn’t He want the same things? And wouldn’t he stop at NOTHING to make sure they happen? Because God knows I SURE WOULD.  Thus I see God being a control freak, just like me.

And what ever made me think that I had any influence? That in essence by performing a certain way I could control God to control my circumstances. Have I so easily forgotten there are other forces at work? And could I ever conclude that God is IN the midst of all circumstances good and bad—working His good, pleasing and perfect will.  That He desperately wants to be seen and loved as much as I do. Not for what He can do for me, but simply just for Himself. He doesn’t NEED this from me rather he wants this from me. And he has stopped at NOTHING to make it possible. Sending His son to be an example of selfless love and living to die in my place and make me right before Him. Aimee- my beloved, loved one come to me and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you for it is easy and my burden is light. 

These blessings I hold onto so tightly, that were given so freely and generously. I hold onto with a sense of entitlement, that I deserve them, that I earned them. Yes, I will praise and thank the One that gave them, but didn’t I follow all the rules and check off all the right things in order to get them? So who really gets the praise in the end?  And when suddenly those things are taken from me—who gets the blame? How dare you, after all I have done for you. Does God’s heart break and say, I thought you loved me for me.  I wallow in my pity and He still cares and loves. I kick and scream and he holds me gently.  I am so much like my three year olds. I yell and demand and expect and take without an expression of gratitude. And as soon as I don’t get my way I throw a fit and say things that are ugly and show how little I have grown up.

I was never promised a life free of pain but a life of abundance. I was never promised a carefree life but that I would face troubles and to take heart because the One I claim to believe in has overcome the world. I lack trust when I say I believe. (Help my unbelief!!)

My precious friend has exhibited more grace and unfettered trust in the One who put the world in motion, who gives and takes away. She embraces the life her husband lived as a gift, not only for herself but for all of those he touched. And acknowledges that his passion and fervor for the Lord was necessary to achieve all the Lord had planned for him in his short time on earth.

I ended this piece by saying that I was unable to sing a worship song the weekend this tragedy took place…

And I wondered if she could. And I know now, that her faith is not based on what God can do for her. He has already done everything for her and she believes and trusts in Him. And I am moved, inspired and encouraged. I long to move forward in my relationship with the Lord beyond the gimmes and simply choose to love Him for Him. And live my life in a way that losing her husband would not be in vain.

The song was 10,000 Reasons. Bless the Lord Oh my soul. Oh my soul. Simply for Who HE IS. Oh my soul can you bless without any expectation? “whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me- let me be singing til the evening comes.”

Let us bless Him for Him. Join me

Wanted: Part I

I am an emotional girl. There are certain songs that speak to me on a level that taps into my deepest longings and emotions. This one in particular I could listen to over and over again. I grew up believing I was a mistake. And I’ve lived the majority of my life trying to justify and make my life worthwhile. I have often felt burdensome to those around me which has led me to be an extreme people pleaser. I never want to overwhelm you with my problems or feelings. I always want you to like me and believe the best about me. And my greatest fear is that if you get to know me, all of me, the deepest part of me you will abandon me-- reject me.

When I first heard this song I felt the Father drawing me to Him. I love how God speaks through all things. The verse, “I will never leave you or forsake you” kept repeating in my mind. I know I’m not the only girl who has struggled believing in her worth or value. And the myriad of avenues a girl can take to eliminate that pain or at least numb it are endless. The sad thing is most of them are so damaging- cutting, suicidal thoughts, alcoholism, empty sex and unfulfilling- success, popularity, money, fashion. At the end of the day, alone with your thoughts, all you really want to know is that you are loved for who you are. All of you, the deepest part of you. Not for anything you can do or how you look.

Just to know that you are wanted.

And I can say without any doubt that YOU are. 

See I have engraved you on the palms of my hands. He waits. Beckoning daily. Giving you glimpses of His love. Romancing you- whispering gently into your ear, You’re wanted. And not just tonight, but tomorrow and always.  Even in this moment of ugly despair and loneliness. You’re wanted. All of you, the deepest part of you.  For I loved you so much that I gave my life just to be with you. That’s how much you’re wanted. And nothing will ever separate you from my love. You cannot even fathom how wide and how long and how vast my love is for you. 

You’re wanted.

No matter what you’ve believed or been told.  

Fact over feeling. Truth over the lies.  The saying fake it til you make it applies here, especially for me. Because I have chosen to believe the opposite is true. The lie has become so intertwined in my thoughts that I have to resist the easy way out of just falling into the same thought patterns and continuing to wallow in the misery of my pity party.  And it is exactly where the enemy wants me to live. Doubting, questioning, putting myself down, devaluing the life I have been blessed with.  Let’s just call it what it is. UNBELIEF. I do not believe what God says. But that doesn’t change the fact that it’s true. I could claim all day long that gravity does not exist but as soon as I jump off a building the harsh reality is I will fall to the ground- my opinion or feelings, past experiences, past rejections,  present circumstances do not change the facts, will never alter the TRUTH.  

The truth is I am wanted.

 Not for my abilities or appearance.  Not based on my desirability or seductiveness. He has seen my unformed body, my baby fresh body, my awkward adolescent body, my post twin bearing body. He has seen my joyful moments and my dark secret moments no one would ever dare hang around for.  And He STILL wants me. There is nothing I can or cannot do that will stop Him from pursuing me. And I will lather, rinse and repeat my thoughts in this cleansing truth until one day I DO believe it and it changes the way I live. I will fake it. God, help my unbelief! And you can join me in the faking. Until we make it.  Really make it- to the arms of the ONE who says I want you for YOU.

Join me as we run toward the one who truly wants US!