thoughts on an open door policy

I see the church as a field hospital after battle. It is useless to ask a seriously injured person if he has high cholesterol and about the level of his blood sugars! You have to heal his wounds. Then we can talk about everything else. Heal the wounds, heal the wounds. And you have to start from the ground up.—Pope Francis

The fear in stepping out in faith comes from many angles. But mostly from well-meaning believers expressing “concern”. 

Why does the church exist? I have to ask. To spread the gospel of Christ. This Christ who is full of grace and truth.

What is the truth?

There is none righteous, not even one. (Rom. 3:10)
For ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. (Rom. 3:23)

For God so loved the world that he gave His one and only Son that who so ever believes in Him may not perish but have everlasting life. (John 3:16)

For it is by grace we have been saved through faith, which is a gift of God that no man may boast. (Eph. 2:8)

Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.…" (Matt. 16:24)

For far too long church has somehow generated a reputation of being judgmental and merciless.

They will know we are Christians by our criticism, judgment, hypocrisy, pretentiousness, standing up for our rights LOVE.

I am overwhelmed lately by the magnitude of the calling God is placing on our hearts. Stewarding broken lives is such a huge task. To fail them yet again is just reaffirming their distrust in church. And while I agree that blaming people for ones disbelief in God is a cop-out, I also believe we do not hold ourselves to a high enough standard when it comes to loving others radically.

I desire mercy, not sacrifice. (Matt. 9:13)
Mercy triumphs over judgment. (James 2:13)
“Or are you envious because I am generous?” (Matt 20:1-16)

Who can say, I have kept my heart pure; I am clean and without sin? Differing weights and differing measures—the Lord detests them both. (Prov. 20:9-10)

‘Son, you don’t understand. You’re with me all the time, and everything that is mine is yours—but this is a wonderful time, and we had to celebrate. This brother of yours was dead, and he’s alive! He was lost, and he’s found!’” (Luke 15:31-32)

‘You evil servant! I forgave your entire debt when you begged me for mercy. Shouldn’t you be compelled to be merciful to your fellow servant who asked for mercy?’ The king was furious and put the screws to the man until he paid back his entire debt. And that’s exactly what my Father in heaven is going to do to each one of you who doesn’t forgive unconditionally anyone who asks for mercy.”  (Matt. 18:21-35)

For while we were STILL SINNERS Christ died for us. (Rom. 5:8)

A wretch like me. Who am I to stand in the place of judgment?  

"The lamp of the Lord searches the spirit of a man; it searches out his inmost being." (Prov. 20:27)
"For man looks at the outside but God looks at the heart." (1 Sam. 16:7)

I am brought to tears, literal sobs when I listen to this song lately. 

Because with all that I am I long for His kingdom to come. For His words to be true. For His sacrifice to have been enough for ALL of us. That if we are seeking we will find. That He desires to restore all that is broken. That He sees our hearts. Those of us desperate to honor Him by loving others unconditionally. For we know that it is His kindness that will lead us to repentance. When faced with the unfathomable beauty of free forgiveness. Of unrelenting love and grace. Compassion and Mercy. That is when I fall on my face and proclaim- Behold the Son of God who takes away the sins of the WORLD. He is the one I worship and adore. The one I believe has conquered death to bring us LIFE and LIFE abundant.

To know this love. It is indescribable. And so often for me UNBELIEVABLE. This is THE answer for the hope that we profess.  It is GOOD NEWS.

My heart will sing, no other name.

Jesus.

And nothing else. You cannot add to or take away. He alone is our salvation. This serving, humble, loving, forgiving, gentle, kind, meek, patient, merciful king. His power is not executed by force or fear. But by unrelenting, unconditional love.

To know Him, really KNOW him- not just of Him or about Him. Not the Bible and all its laws and moral code. TO KNOW CHRIST- is to LOVE HIM.

This is the man that dined with those deemed “unworthy” and no where does it indicate that those sinners immediately turned from their sin. But that didn’t stop Jesus from pursuing them. Loving them. Serving them. Having a meal with them.

“Jesus came to save sinners (Luke 19:10). Tradition, cultural bans, and the frowns of a few do not matter when a soul’s eternal destiny is on the line.”

"Unlike the Pharisees, Jesus didn’t require people to change before coming to Him. He sought them out, met them where they were, and extended grace to them in their circumstances. Change would come to those who accepted Christ, but it would be from the inside out. Jesus knew better than anyone that the kindness of God leads sinners to repentance (Romans 2:4)."
{Read more:http://www.gotquestions.org/Jesus-with-sinners.html#ixzz3Awt7nwwp}

If His grace is sufficient for me it is sufficient for all. Period.

“Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners--of whom I am the worst.” (1 Tim. 1:15)

Amen and Amen a thousand times Amen.

If I am going to err, I desire to err on the side of love. Because when I die, I would much rather hear, Aimee, you loved too much, than- Aimee, you loved too little.  

Let us all strive for Well Done, Faithful Servants.

Build your kingdom here, Lord.

check out the website of the church we are helping to launch in Frisco!! http://www.mosaicfrisco.com/

Red Tape OR Red Letter

I am THE WAY the truth and the Life no man comes to the Father except by ME.

For the message, THE WAY of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing.

Love your enemies. If someone demands your coat offer your shirt as well.
NO Greater love hath no man than this…. That He lay down his life for another

For while we were STILL sinners Christ died for us.

This is radical.

It is counter cultural. And in some ways counter “Christian” culture.

We are happy to tout these verses in our favor but bring it into our very life. Our very circumstances,  we would rather hide behind red tape and man- made laws than to abide by the very WORDS of our Lord. We are guilty of using Christianity to work in OUR favor for our benefit and our advancement.

How foolish would it be to literally turn the other cheek? Where are the boundaries there? Or could we be so confident in the love our Father has for us and without fear of man that we could TAKE the abuse in order to show  love to another. Physical abuse is one thing. It would not be loving yourself if you allowed another to beat you up.  But then didn’t Jesus allow that? Didn’t He love us more than himself than to consider Himself more than a sacrifice for our lives?

Foolishness. Other worldly. Our society and culture, as “Christian” as it may be is so heavily influenced by a different way. Cling tight to rights, get ahead, make sure your companies and money are protected.

The least of these. Those that have nothing to offer in return. Those who can’t contribute to the economic wealth of this country but rather drain it of its resources. Those whose lives are marred by drugs and abuse who have seen the utter depravity and have been given a chance.

And how are WE any different. Those of us who claim to follow the way? Did we DESERVE to receive grace? Did we EARN our standing before the throne? Did not Jesus say, I have come to serve and not to be served? Where is this attitude among us? Why are we so concerned with the LAW and so afraid of GRACE?

It’s such a fine line. And yet if love is the answer won’t the rest be taken care of? I believe in a God that is involved and in control of all the universe’s resources.

THIS is on OUR soil. These children. Hopeful potentials risking their very lives for a chance to actually live. I wish I could promise them a life free of violence or drug trafficking. Protection for those sweet girls against rape or kidnapping to be sold into sex slavery.  But maybe it’s possible that over here there is a greater chance of survival. I just think BELIEVE God is in favor of that. And I suppose if I’m wrong call me an atheist.

I am battling these thoughts.  Questioning… but without laws then won’t anarchy ensue? But I am beginning to think moral law and written laws are completely different. I do not see anything morally wrong about wanting your child to have a safer, brighter chance in life. 

I used to claim the message that while I wasn’t opposed to immigrants entering our country BUT-they better- by golly - do it the right way. Now I was certainly a proponent of making that way easier. What child is going to have thousands of dollars and a way to be transported to and from the embassy in order to have their application submitted and get an interview to be approved for entry? But because I married an immigrant and we did it all the “right way” I felt that should be the same requirement for all. Pharisee. Yes. The reality is our country labels others from different countries. Someone from Australia has a higher and quicker chance of being approved than someone from say, China.  EVEN WHEN they have dotted all their I’s and crossed all their T’s.

It’s time we stop labeling our country as based on “Christian” values. Let’s just be honest.  It’s not the gospel that defines us, it’s the constitution. Or maybe... Declaration of Independence. Life, Liberty and the pursuit of happiness…

I’m more than grateful for the overwhelming blessing of having been born in this country, don’t get me wrong. But I refuse to say “God bless America”. God bless the WORLD and all who is in it. EVERY.SINGLE. BREATH that is taken matters to Him. MORE than my pursuit of happiness.

Maybe bigger isn’t always glamorous or noteworthy in the world’s eyes. But in the eyes of the kingdom bigger is embracing children from a different culture and race and welcoming them as our own. Willing to love and care for and show the true way of Christ to. This is an opportunity not a burden. Will it be hard. YES. Will you question it. YES. But didn’t everyone doubt THE Way. Doesn’t everyone doubt it?

This way is so different from our usual. It is the Christ. The One who came fully God and fully man. Unafraid of what man could do. And Man did it’s worst. And THE WAY still triumphed. We are more than conquerors. Not bound by fear. Law. Economic security.  Somehow we have lost our way. Abandoned the Way for comfort and security.

Could anti-Christ be a mindset rather than an individual?

It is so easy for me to sit on this side of the screen and rant and rave. To have staunch opinions and seem accusatory of all those other “so called Christ followers” I live here too. I struggle just the same with the doubts, the questions, the fear of uncertainty and losing comfort and security. I cling just as much to my undeserved, unearned freedoms and hold those on the outside at an arm’s length. 

Skeptical. Worried. Uncomfortable.

And I’m honestly asking the question, is it even remotely possible to run a country based on the gospel? Grace. Mercy. Compassion. Forgiveness. Peace.  Did Jesus really know what He was talking about?

My prayer:

Jesus, Son of David have MERCY on us.

Clarity. Selflessness. Love.

Irresistible Vomit

This is the deal. As far as I have come. I still go back. I keep returning to what I know. It is so much easier to live in fear. To coddle insecurity. To remain in self-loathing and self indulgence than to lovingly, humbly accept and embrace the person that I am.

I see it crop up in my parenting--in my relationships with others. When before it was so subtle and almost unrecognizable-- now it is screaming at me. Because I have become aware of something greater. Something better. Yet  I refuse to let it become my new normal. It is scary and unknown.  So I allow the anger and bitterness to rule. I take things personally and judge others far too critically.

That gift of freedom comes with a cost. It comes with letting go of repetitive thought patterns and negative self talk. It means I have to start showing myself compassion and empathy. I have to begin to see myself as a human with intrinsic worth and value even when I KNOW all the dark ugly things about me. Ultimately what it means is I have to relinquish control over my life. At least I know what to expect. At least I can’t really let myself down because I already expect the worst. There isn’t room for failure when risk isn’t involved. Or is there?

I believe there is such thing as healthy fear. Fear that ultimately protects. When passing a snake I become fearful and my brain tells my body to back away slowly and get the hell out of there. I’m thankful for that fear.

But there is another fear. A debilitating, crippling, paralyzing fear. Fear of man. Fear of failure. Fear of being fully known. It keeps some locked up in their own dungeons of if only and what might have been.  In an effort to “protect” myself from disappointment or discouragement those are the two things that arise from the life lived in fear. This season of discontent because someone else has it or does it better or  is favored among men. It starts as a season but if fear continues to rule, it becomes a lifetime.

I’m not sure the origin. Probably somewhere early on in childhood someone whispered, don’t risk or you’ll be rejected, unloved, unworthy.  So to make sure that didn’t happen I made sure to follow the rules. To color within the lines. Any time I had a “different” idea I would feel guilty or stupid.  I’m pretty sure fear and guilt are best friends. They love to team up with each other.  And I suppose with the theology of being inherently evil since birth I believed nothing good could come from me. 

Lord have mercy. All that I know to be TRUE of my God.  I’m wondering when I will really start to believe it. Like somehow I’m a better person believing the worst about myself than actually saying, oh wait, right- I am loved. Worthy of love. So much so that He died for me.  Yikes. That sounds so self indulgent.  It was the world, I argue, everyone in it.  But how does that disclude me? As if I want to set myself apart from all the others… but I’m BEYOND redemption.  Good Lord.

“As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly.”

So very foolish. I keep going back.

Yet I’m thankful that I can see it--That I can actually taste the bitter disgustingness of it all. That it benefits no one. It damages me and those around me. It prevents and stunts creativity and beauty which the whole World desperately needs.

So this is risky for me. Showing the true side. What really goes on.  Why I write, then go on month long sabbaticals questioning, analyzing, evaluating. Judging and criticizing my journey because it isn’t as pretty as others. Or positive. Or geez, whatever. All I can think of is “Who will save me from this body of death?” This repetitive cycle of consuming vomit? I know. We know. And thank God above for Him.

Today I write with hope that because I see it for what it is… something might actually change. The scales seem to be lifting. And for today that is enough. 

Selena Gomez- The Prophetess

I sang a song growing up in church about Jesus standing at the door and knocking:

Behold, behold, I stand at the door and knock

Behold, behold, I stand at the door and knock, knock, knock

If anyone hear my voice if anyone hear my voice and will open open open the door

I will come in

All you good church going folks will be humming the tune the rest of the day.

The thing is, I had always understood that song and the passage from whence it was derived to apply to “sinners” or those who had not already answered the call of Christ.

What is rather, (disturbingly) interesting for me is, John wrote that verse in Revelation, as a plea to the Church.  This information I did not discover on my own, but a dear friend of mine revealed to me at the end of last year.  I was shocked.  And almost incredulous. How dare someone attack my childhood Sunday school song and claim my understanding of it was inaccurate!!?

But indeed, when I myself looked at the passage I could not deny the truth of the context.  The thing is, my previous (mis)understanding of the verse was not “bad” and I do believe Christ beckons each and every one of us to him. God is working in and through all things that we may behold His glory and praise His name.  The problem with my understanding is it set ME apart from everyone else.  As if my door was already wide open just emmanting with the presence of Christ.  Ah contrare.

So how, might you ask could one who has “believed” in Christ be on the other side of a closed door?

I allow so many things to get in the way of Christ. So. Many. Things.

Even things that are an attempt to be “closer” to Him can sometimes take the place OF Him. I begin worshipping the process. The system. The order in which things are supposed to be done because the Bible tells me so. Or everyone else around me seems to be doing them and appear to be further ahead. And all the while Jesus waits… knocks… waits and says, “When you’re ready, come and get it.”  This life abundant that I promised, the one with no strings attached. The life where law does not bind you, where the Spirit leads you in complete and total FREEDOM.  Where it isn’t your job to make sure everyone around you is upholding Biblical morals but your life is an overflow of love and people can’t help but WANT what you have. Nor is it your job to compare where you are to where someone else is.

Selena might truly be the mouthpeice of God- even if she doesn’t know it.  I have blocked Him out in an effort to know Him more. In my own strength.  By my own power. Striving, trying. Implementing new programs, new studies. Reading the latest books and new ways to pray, study, meditate, serve. And I’m not downplaying those or saying they haven’t been useful in allowing people to grow in their relationship with Christ. But when those “tools” become my focus I start to rely on them to save me instead of my Savior. I become superior minded. I think I somehow have this faith thing all figured out because my system is so very “godly”. Church attendance- check. Quiet times… eh.. read my Bible- check.  Pray without ceasing… uh, talk to God when I need help- check.  Attend Bible study- check. Give money- check.  My task list is complete and I sit smugly closed up in my holy home all the while Jesus wonders when He can come in and visit. And if I’m really honest, who is it really for? My checklist means that I can prove to others I’m on the straight and narrow. Others can see my good works. I can earn the praise of others when it appears I can achieve this thing called the “Christian life”.

It is so much more manageable and controllable when my faith is a check list. And for the majority of my walk, I haven’t been “ready”.  I like what is secure, comfortable and easy. Jesus was and is anything BUT.

He lived and loved radically. His words and actions were jaw dropping for those who had this faith thing all figured out. He was led by God and guided by love.  Which are really one in the same.

He was unpredictable yet always true to His word. This Jesus knocks. On the hearts of those who have become chillingly cold. Who have accepted the truth but then run with it in (my) their own strength to produce a “super” Christian façade so everyone can see how godly (I am) they are. Shivering in (my)  their dismal home wondering why it seems so hard most times and where is the abundance I was promised?  

“When you’re ready, Jesus says, Come and get it.”

I think I’m ready. I’m ready to drop my tools. I want Him to lead always. I want my door to be wide open willing to take whatever step He asks me to take.  To join Him on an abundant, unpredictable adventure. Trusting He’s got it. He always has. He has overcome. And He who has overcome the world LIVES IN ME.

I want to live like I truly believe that. And stop closing him out with all of my “religious” practices. 

as HE loved

(in light of recent legislations being considered I decided to post this... I wrote it several months ago but now see its relevance)

Love.

When we say the word so many thoughts come to mind. Definitions. Expectations. Interpretations.

No wonder it is so difficult to pinpoint just exactly what it means when we say, Love one Another.

In an age where there is an “impending threat” on absolute truth and morality, this word gets thrown around a lot. Usually from those who don’t claim to follow Jesus but KNOW what He stood for and gladly join arms with Him when it fits their defense or justifies their behavior.

But from the other side, I observe a lot of fear. Fear that if I love them I may be seen as excusing “sinful’ behavior. Fear that extending grace may mean turning a blind eye to what the Bible clearly states is wrong. Fear that “they” are taking over and with “us” losing more and more to “their” side all hope is lost, our future surely doomed and our freedom at risk of extinction.

Perfect love casts out fear.

I fear things. Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. Fear of torture or physical pain. I spend a large amount of time avoiding things that may cause tension or disrupt security and comfort.  I like the things I can control. And control I do.

I have come to the conclusion that one of the best definitions of love is: Surrender.

The need to be right.

The need to be understood.

The need to be respected.

The need to have freedom.

The need for comfort.

Because we say our ultimate example of love is He that came to live as one of us- and not for a second did He use the fact that He was GOD to his advantage, or to LORD over us. But squeezed through the vaginal birth canal to live just like us. HUMAN.  What comfort?

While His relationship with God was obviously a direct line of communication, He was still limited by human standards, His godly rights stripped when He breathed his first newborn breath. What freedom?

He was mocked, criticized, judged, belittled, laughed at, slandered, and ultimately beaten and killed… by HIS people. What respect?

He taught what was true, regardless of who understood. And was mostly misunderstood even by his closest disciples. While all He said was right, He in no way forced or demanded anyone to agree with Him. He was right regardless.

And this is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid his life down for us.

In the list of sins that Revelation 21:8 cites as unable to enter the kingdom of heaven, the first one mentioned is FEAR.

And yet all the others seem to take precedence when we are shaking our fingers at others demanding they repent OR ELSE.

Is that truly driven by love? Or fear?

Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.

Could this be the prayer of our hearts instead? Instead of demanding rights or freedoms for ourselves? Clinging ever so tightly to all we are entitled to, could we possibly surrender for the sake of love so that others might know what love is? Jesus. The word in flesh- whose entire life was one of complete and utter surrender.  Complete. Total. And Perfect love.

In Him there is no fear.  He has conquered the grave. We have nothing to lose. Love radically. Graciously. Fully surrendered.  His truth prevails. He is always right. He commanded that we LOVE. AS. HE LOVED. Thy will NOT my will.

Is it possible?

God Breathed

For the majority of my Christian education the Bible was elevated as the inerrant word of God. And while there were times I often wondered how humans could write something perfect, I quickly dismissed such heretical thinking with the fact that With God all things are possible.

Because it is said, “All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness..." (2 Tim 3:16)

I haven’t often thought about this passage within the context of the time it was written. No one had access to what we call the “New Testamant”. There were churches that received the letters that the majority of the New Testament consists of but they were not bound and distributed to every bedside table at the time. Even the Torah or Old Testament Scriptures were limited in “supply”. Unless you had a Jewish upbringing your knowledge of the law or “scripture” would have been hearsay.

When I was taught about quiet times it was necessary that the Bible was always involved. God speaks to us through His word. It is His love letter to His people… God breathed.

How did people have a relationship with God without the Bible I often wonder?

AND furthermore, how is it possible that those who wrote what comprises the New Testament, didn’t have the New Testament to refer to and spend their quiet times with?? 

Who were they spending their time with anyways? hmmmmmm.

And, if they were “inspired” by God to write what they did- why did the buck stop with them?

Has God ceased inspiring writers? Does He no longer use His people as a mouth piece to express what is stirring in His heart?

If I choose to spend time with God alone, with no “holy scriptures” will I be led astray? Or do I believe the Spirit resides within me?

I have often found the verses about the heart being deceptive (Jer. 17:9) and having the mind of Christ (1 Cor 2:16) completely contradictory. I have lived far too long doubting and questioning my motives. I don’t trust myself. And to be honest, it is miserable living a life you are afraid to live. Afraid to make a mistake or say the “wrong” thing. Afraid to have an opinion or make a decision.  Wondering if I am aligning my everything to God’s will.

And yet, the Spirit resides within me.

You know what else is God breathed?

Man.

"And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul." (Gen 2:7)

All of us. Walking around.

The breath of God.

Inspired by the triune God.

"Let us make humankind in our image, in the likeness of ourselves." (Gen 1:26)

It is true we lost our way. The Bible makes that VERY clear. But the entire point of it is to POINT us to our REDEMPTION. Our SAVIOR. The real, raw, intimate fact that God is passionately in Love with His creation – the ones He breathed LIFE into. This God who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. (1 Tim. 6:17) He is the One who is after our hearts.

God is present in our every day lives. And I’m so very blinded by my expectations for how He is “supposed” to show up that I miss Him entirely. Even with my Bible wide open.

I admit, I do not have a specific time carved out to read my Bible. I may pick it up twice a week at random. But the older I get the more I realize God has not limited Himself in the pages of a book. He has made Himself known – his invisible attributes all throughout creation. (Romans 1:20)

Sometimes it is enough just to lift your head and look around. Survey the beauty around you. Marvel at the way the universe functions or even the physical body. Be astounded by the ocean or the grandeur of the mountains-taken back by the precious innocence of a newborn baby. Glory to God!

Moments like these can draw us closer to the heart of God. I will never say don’t read your Bible. Clearly it was written to help guide us. Test the spirits with what His word says. But do not think that without it, all is lost. That you are not close to God or know Him well enough. That if you just read more you’ll know Him more. You will possibly know more “about” Him… but there’s a difference in knowing about someone than an intimate “knowing” on a level beyond just knowledge. (Eph. 3:19) It is not any less quality of time spent with God in awe of His creation and praising Him for His goodness than in His word learning about His goodness. I would say both are necessary to fully experience God. 

I attended a mission program after graduating high school and we took a weekend to have a silent retreat. When our leaders explained to us that we would be spending time with God in nature they specifically said to bring nothing--As in not even our Bibles, because even the Bible could become a distraction. This was over 13 years ago… and even typing that still causes me to shudder.

How often have I used the Bible for my agenda? How many times have I opened my Bible because of the prompting of the Holy Spirit as opposed to the guilt of my conscience? Has the Bible become a distraction for me so much so that I miss God entirely when I read it’s content?

It doesn’t seem possible but as fallen creatures we can turn ANYTHING into an idol.

I wouldn’t have this knowledge without the Bible. Nor could I retain what I have without having spent time in it. And I respect the Bible. I am thankful for the Bible… but I don’t interpret ‘logos’ as the Bible. The “word” (logos) of God is His son Jesus Christ. And Jesus is the full representation of the Father- for if we have seen Jesus- we have seen God. (John 14:9) The purpose of the scriptures was to show us our need for Him. And His complete and utter willingness to give His life for our sake. We worship Jesus. Not the Bible. 

Tell me How you Really Feel

Nearly a month over in the year 2014 and I have written already 3 posts but failed to go live. 

But after watching THIS this morning sent by a dear friend... and reading this tonight I have decided to just stop. Stop writing and not posting. Stop being afraid of having an opinion. Even if someone might not like it or blatantly disagree. Even if my post isn't liked by 1000's of people or gets shared on Facebook. Or if what I have to say isn't life changing or deeply profound. 

The fact is... my grandma hit a huge milestone yesterday. And I was too afraid to post my thoughts about her. 

So here they are now in all their glory. Profound or Not:

90

Today is a milestone in the life of my grandma Iris. She has lived 90 years. 90! I’m a little over a third of the way there. And I’m already tired!

Due to last minute notification and prior commitments at home I am unable to celebrate WITH her today. But it doesn’t stop me from celebrating her!

I’m embarrassed to admit that I don’t really remember many facts about her life- the number of siblings she had or how old she was when she got married. She had 6 kids on a preacher’s income. Not sure if she ever worked outside of the home. She makes killer homemade lemonade and Dr. Pepper cake.

My memories are more in the form of WHO she was. Always smiling. Loves being with family. Likes cheesy humor. Loves God.

For as long as I can remember she has had dentures. When we would go stay with her overnight (sometimes for the week for VBS) she would take out her teeth and say “Gimme a Kisschh”

Light hearted. Peaceful.

And to this day that is still who she is.

Only, during my last visit with her I noticed something that caught me by surprise.  One of the nurses brought in her lunch for the day. My grandma looked it over, then very calmly said, “I don’t want that”.  Immediately I felt the need to apologize for her curt response. The nurse seemed a little agitated (my grandma doesn’t like to eat- so it is work for the nurses!) and made sure she was planning on eating something for lunch.  It had already been arranged that my aunt was bringing her other food.

While my grandma embodies many traits and characteristics I would like to emulate myself, this particular exchange caused me to admire her even more.  Because I have a confession to make:

My name is Aimee, and I am a people pleaser.

I cringe at the thought of having to tell someone no. Oftentimes I delay a response because of how guilty I feel knowing that I will be saying no so I try to come up with the least offensive excuse and a myriad of reasons to justify my response.  When the majority of the time my main reason is “I don’t want to”

Now in my mind I have the very “Christian” debate about how sometimes God asks us to do things we don’t want to do. And I get that. I try to be sensitive to that. But I also know that God does not condone lying.  And while my excuses may be true- the underlying reason is a lack of want.  But in order to protect my “image” or standing with the other person I fluff it up and make it look much prettier than that. Probably because I am 32. Still insecure. Still low on confidence. Still worried that if I say no they might not like me or want to be my friend.

And while I do believe tact is appropriate and the way in which I communicate is gentle and kind- I believe my grandma has arrived. She isn’t dictated by factors of being liked or viewed as sweet and nice. She is confident in herself to know what she wants and doesn’t want and she’s not afraid to say it. And I actually love her all the more for it. The reality is, at the end of the day- she knows she is loved so she can be herself.

I’m not quite ready to jump ahead to my 90^th birthday. But I would love a bit of that lack of need to please. And to somehow release all of us from that trap. To not be afraid to say how we feel, what we think, or heck what we WANT aloud.  To truly know we are loved and relax into being ourselves more freely.  I suppose some of us may need to grow a bit thicker skin and some of us would have to work on tone of delivery- but at least it would all be out there.  And we may find that many of us feel, think and want similar things.  Hopefully BEFORE we make it to the nursing home.

Happy 90^th birthday to my dear grandma Iris! You are a light and inspiration to me. I love you. 

There you have it! Who's with me in saying it like it is?