Tell me How you Really Feel

Nearly a month over in the year 2014 and I have written already 3 posts but failed to go live. 

But after watching THIS this morning sent by a dear friend... and reading this tonight I have decided to just stop. Stop writing and not posting. Stop being afraid of having an opinion. Even if someone might not like it or blatantly disagree. Even if my post isn't liked by 1000's of people or gets shared on Facebook. Or if what I have to say isn't life changing or deeply profound. 

The fact is... my grandma hit a huge milestone yesterday. And I was too afraid to post my thoughts about her. 

So here they are now in all their glory. Profound or Not:

90

Today is a milestone in the life of my grandma Iris. She has lived 90 years. 90! I’m a little over a third of the way there. And I’m already tired!

Due to last minute notification and prior commitments at home I am unable to celebrate WITH her today. But it doesn’t stop me from celebrating her!

I’m embarrassed to admit that I don’t really remember many facts about her life- the number of siblings she had or how old she was when she got married. She had 6 kids on a preacher’s income. Not sure if she ever worked outside of the home. She makes killer homemade lemonade and Dr. Pepper cake.

My memories are more in the form of WHO she was. Always smiling. Loves being with family. Likes cheesy humor. Loves God.

For as long as I can remember she has had dentures. When we would go stay with her overnight (sometimes for the week for VBS) she would take out her teeth and say “Gimme a Kisschh”

Light hearted. Peaceful.

And to this day that is still who she is.

Only, during my last visit with her I noticed something that caught me by surprise.  One of the nurses brought in her lunch for the day. My grandma looked it over, then very calmly said, “I don’t want that”.  Immediately I felt the need to apologize for her curt response. The nurse seemed a little agitated (my grandma doesn’t like to eat- so it is work for the nurses!) and made sure she was planning on eating something for lunch.  It had already been arranged that my aunt was bringing her other food.

While my grandma embodies many traits and characteristics I would like to emulate myself, this particular exchange caused me to admire her even more.  Because I have a confession to make:

My name is Aimee, and I am a people pleaser.

I cringe at the thought of having to tell someone no. Oftentimes I delay a response because of how guilty I feel knowing that I will be saying no so I try to come up with the least offensive excuse and a myriad of reasons to justify my response.  When the majority of the time my main reason is “I don’t want to”

Now in my mind I have the very “Christian” debate about how sometimes God asks us to do things we don’t want to do. And I get that. I try to be sensitive to that. But I also know that God does not condone lying.  And while my excuses may be true- the underlying reason is a lack of want.  But in order to protect my “image” or standing with the other person I fluff it up and make it look much prettier than that. Probably because I am 32. Still insecure. Still low on confidence. Still worried that if I say no they might not like me or want to be my friend.

And while I do believe tact is appropriate and the way in which I communicate is gentle and kind- I believe my grandma has arrived. She isn’t dictated by factors of being liked or viewed as sweet and nice. She is confident in herself to know what she wants and doesn’t want and she’s not afraid to say it. And I actually love her all the more for it. The reality is, at the end of the day- she knows she is loved so she can be herself.

I’m not quite ready to jump ahead to my 90^th birthday. But I would love a bit of that lack of need to please. And to somehow release all of us from that trap. To not be afraid to say how we feel, what we think, or heck what we WANT aloud.  To truly know we are loved and relax into being ourselves more freely.  I suppose some of us may need to grow a bit thicker skin and some of us would have to work on tone of delivery- but at least it would all be out there.  And we may find that many of us feel, think and want similar things.  Hopefully BEFORE we make it to the nursing home.

Happy 90^th birthday to my dear grandma Iris! You are a light and inspiration to me. I love you. 

There you have it! Who's with me in saying it like it is?