Comparison vs. Inspiration- a follow up to Esther Envy

Thanks to a comment made by an anonymous source on the Esther blog- I started thinking a little bit more about this idea of “envy” which could essentially be boiled down to comparison.

It is a natural tendency of mine as a woman to compare. I can’t even tell you when it all began. It is almost as if it is just innate, inborn.  And it is so hard not to fight the urge. Facebook is notorious for evoking feelings of inadequacy and ineptness. Seeing all those beautifully decorated houses, perfectly posed family pictures, exotic vacation experiences, exclusively organic home cooked meals, well organized toy bins. I read other blogs that put mine to shame. Have far more spiritual depth and relevance or are ridiculously hilarious- and more widely read.  The comparison becomes a thief of my confidence in how I was created and who actually created me. I lose my bearing, get caught up in the tide drowning in an ocean of I wish I could do that, be like her, look that way, have that perspective.

So then, I feel it almost necessary to reinvent myself to be relevant, up to par, socially acceptable. To be more like that writer or mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend.  But try as I may I am unable to really change the core of who I am and how I was designed, how I process information or respond in stressful situations.  And that is actually a GOOD thing. There is a reason. A method to the madness.  With every gift there is a strength and weakness that accompanies it. So often, we see ONLY the strengths of others and ONLY the weaknesses in ourselves. (** side note, I wrote this a month ago before the recent Dove video was circulating all over the internet. It shows exactly this. How others see us vs. how we see ourselves. If you haven't seen it, it's worth a view here)

The perception we have of ourselves vs. those that we have of others is so skewed. We tend to project our thoughts about a person on them, assuming they too see the same in themselves.  When in reality all people struggle with doubt and insecurity on some level.  Some are just better at overcoming those thoughts. So should we be jealous or feel inferior? Or take note and be inspired that someone else walking this same journey called life has found the strength to fight the negative voices that are constantly screaming at them too. They decided to take a risk, a leap of faith, trusting that if God is for them who could be against them? Can we be grateful for the gifts God has given them and appreciate how they build, encourage and edify the body?  And can we stop feeling that if OUR voice isn’t being heard on a larger scale that we don’t matter? That all parts of the body are necessary to allow it to function properly and to the best of its ability.  Without a pinky toe we would be thrown off balance. How much credit does that toe really get? Or any toe for that matter? But it is necessary. And the pinky toe doesn’t spend its day wishing it were an eye. Putting itself down because its function of the body isn’t as glamorous or well known, or talked about much.

I find that my focus needs to be so single minded. That I allow so many things to entangle me and keep me from forging ahead in my relationship with the Lord and making His priorities mine. Your will not mine. And I’ve started to wonder if instead of becoming discouraged by other’s success could I rejoice with them and derive a sense of inspiration? They may have a wider realm of influence. But they don’t know the same people I know. They aren’t living in the same house with this family. Only me. Their talents and abilities may be more glamorous or well known but that is not nor should ever be my concern.

I read this http://www.servelec.net/mothertheresa.htm interview with Mother Teresa several years ago and it has always stuck with me.  Her single minded focus to serve Jesus by serving the poor, completely undistracted by outside thoughts or opinions- that is how I want to live. She is an inspiration to me. God gave her a passion, she pursued it by only listening to His voice and guidance and pressed on. Human just like me. A woman just like me. With far fewer material resources. Her gift of mercy became well known but was not glamorous by any means.In our pursuit to “make a name for ourselves” we put others down to elevate ourselves. We claw and fight and gossip and belittle others out of our lack of focus on the one true goal. Our inability to accept our God given gifts distracts us from accomplishing all He has for us. And I am fully guilty of doing all of the above. And the enemy rejoices.But what if as women, we chose to love, accept, encourage and inspire one another to be ALL God created each one of us to be? To appreciate the gifts we see those around us exhibiting and give praise to God for those beautiful things. Not to be down on ourselves for not having that particular ability.If you are unable to read all of the interview, read this. Could we all humbly view ourselves as an instrument to be used by God however He sees fit and to rest in that, knowing He will complete the work He has begun and all glory be given to Him alone?

 “ … I don't claim anything of the work. It's His work. I'm like a little pencil in His hand. That's all. He does the thinking. He does the writing. The pencil has nothing to do it. The pencil has only to be allowed to be used. In human terms, the success of our work should not have happened, no? That is a sign that it's His work, and that He is using others as instruments - all our Sisters. None of us could produce this. Yet see what He has done.” – Mother Teresa

Join me in the fight for our attention and preoccupation with what truly matters. To find inspiration in the talents of others and glorify God because of them. And rest contented in the life He has called us to live. Single minded in the pursuit of glorifying Him alone. x

Sore Loser

I am not competitive by nature. I like to play games just for the fun of it really. If I lose I tend to be a little disappointed but mostly content to have enjoyed the process. Unless I lose to my husband of course, who has to be one of the worst winners I know. He tries to play it off as modest humility but really-- he rubs it in.

It turns out in life I’m a horrible loser. When it comes to loss I become just like a 4 yr old who has lost to Candyland. Yelling, tossing the game board, pieces flying everywhere, storming off, silent treatment. That pretty much sums me up.

In the last few months there have been more losses than I can count on both hands, some not directly related to me, others very close to home. And I am trying desperately to convince my heart with all the words I’ve said before and have been said to me—God is with you, God will work all things together for good, God is in control, He feels your pain, He’s endured loss. But my heart is shattered and the pieces scattered and the words aren’t quite mending them all back together.

For some reason it’s not adding up. And the pat answers just aren’t cutting it. I want to be the one so confident in her loving Father.  Who can smile in the midst of pain and have a joyful spirit pointing everyone to Him. But I find myself wallowing in my sorrow and just as I’m ready to emerge from my pit I’m knocked back down again. Yelling, flailing, doubts flying everywhere, storming off from the truth and offering no more than silent treatment.

When I began this blog I had no idea the journey that I would face. I’m almost embarrassed that every post is something dark or morose.  I commented to someone the other day that I have fallen into the false notion that life would be easy, so when reality hits, it hits me hard. I know Christ came to restore and redeem. I’m just struggling at the moment to see the redemptive aspects of His resurrection. So much evil taints my vision. So I want to share what I am finding comfort in. I wish I could type out the whole chapter but to avoid accusations of plagiarism, I will just include the bits that speak to me the most. Ann Voskamp has penned my thoughts in her book, One Thousand Gifts, but has a divine perspective that I am seeking to achieve as I walk this valley of devastating loss. The chapter is entitled, “What in the world, in all this world, is grace?

“Joy and pain, they are but two arteries of the one heart that pumps through all those who don’t numb themselves to really living. .. Yet I know it in the vein and the visceral: life is loss. Every day, the gnawing… What will I lose? Health? Comfort? Hope? Eventually, I am guaranteed to lose every earthly thing I have ever possessed. When will I lose? Today? In a few weeks? How much time have I got before the next loss? Who will I lose? And that’s definite: I will lose every single person I have ever loved. Either abruptly or eventually. All relationships end in loss. Am I prepared for that?

This whole chapter is FULL of honestly looking at the pain we face in our lifetime but bringing it around beautifully full circle to the ONE who gave thanks before giving away His life enduring suffering and pain beyond (most of) our experiences.  I am omitting large chunks that are so meaty but shamelessly plugging this most incredible book… so if you like what I’ve included get it!!! This last part is her realization of what grace truly is. And this is where I’m trying to be:

And I see what I am. I’m amputated. I have hacked my life up into grace moments and curse moments. The chopping that has cut myself off from the embracing love of a God who “does not enjoy hurting people or cuaisng them sorrow” (Lamentations 3:33), but labors to birth grief into greater grace. Isn’t this the crux of the gospel? ….That suffering nourishes grace, and pain and joy are arteries of the same heart—and mourning and dancing are but movements in His unfinished symphony of beauty. Can I believe the gospel, that God is patiently transfiguring all the notes of my life into the song of His Son? What in the world, in all this world is grace? I can say it certain now: All is grace… God is always good and I am always loved.

Astounding perspective. This is how I long to view my life. Covered in Grace. And echo the words of God’s considerable servant Job, “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.”

In the midst of all this losing I have done my fair share of whining, crying and pitching a fit. I’ve been asking some really tough questions and not finding a whole lot of answers. But I’m so thankful for the honesty of Ann’s words and her willingness to admit how difficult things can be at times. Even more so for her ability to SEE God in and amongst the hurt. How His grace is laced through every fiber of our being and living.

And I am yet again clinging, desperate to believe the words: “God is always good and I am always loved.” Not just for me but for all who hurt around me.  And when I choose to believe then I know we win. Technically we have already won. For death was defeated once and for all through the death of Christ and new life has begun through His resurrection.  So her words and these ...I will keep going. And understand that losing is all a part of this game called life. But we ultimately have the victory. In Jesus Name. 

Join me as we strive to hear the melody God is creating with His grace in this broken world.

Moving beyond breathing (contentment in the mess)

As a mother of twins my house is in constant disarray. I love the pinterest posts about cleaning house with a toddler. Like eating oreos while brushing your teeth. Or laundry-  like trying to straighten a desk full of papers with a fan blowing on it. It is a frustrating task to say the least and especially for someone who grew up in a home that always seemed pristine.  

I am down right ashamed of the condition of my bathrooms. If anyone comes to visit, the guest bathroom will certainly get some of my attention. But you know the drill… quick wipe down of the sink a scrub with the toilet brush and closing of the shower curtain can usually do the trick. My bathroom on the other hand… not only NO but, well you know. No one is welcome. I often have the thought, “what would my mother say” if she saw this? It is truly embarrassing. It makes me uncomfortable. Not sure how I manage to get clean myself in such a condition.

The crazy thing is, my husband never seems to notice. EVER. I’m not sure if men were just designed with blinders or they literally cannot see clutter, hair, mildew, residue on every surface- (I told you it was shameful).  He has a perpetually clogged sink. And it is not until I tire of the disgusting mess that I realize he has been using this sink that fills up as soon as the tap is turned on and takes about 5 minutes to drain. Seriously? Does he think it will just get better on its own,  just magically clear up one day? And when I ask him about it, it is clear that YES, apparently that is what he thinks, or rather, he didn’t even notice.

My sister once wisely told me, we will have a long time ahead of us to enjoy a clean, picked up, uncluttered house but that quite possibly as we sit in the quiet disturbingly tidy living room a wave of loneliness will overtake us. Maybe there is joy in the midst of the mess? Because there is LIFE. Creativity, exploration, imagination, curiosity all around us. And if I’m so concerned with making sure everything is in its place and out of the way I just might miss it and before I know it the moments will have passed.

And so, as I do, I wonder if the same is true of my life. I am so concerned about the mess of my life. All this clutter in my heart and mind that I know is unpleasing to the Lord and needs to be tidied up. I come to Him daily asking to fix this and change that. Discontent with the condition of my everything.  Restless and overly concerned with how I might appear to others and what ugly things might surface. I have mastered the quick “clean up” to mask the things that exist underneath in order to make others feel comfortable or to think I have it all together. But God knows. And He still loves me! He still wants my time and attention. He says, I make all things new. I got this. You are being transformed daily (2 Cor 3:18) Find peace in the process. Rest in the restoration.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m certainly not encouraging complacency or lack of discipline. There are extremes. I just tend to live in the land of extreme over- concern with my “ungodliness” But maybe, if I took a leaf from my husband’s book and just believed that without MY efforts of trying to clean it up and make it better God will handle it. Is handling it. (And yes, in this analogy I am God by unclogging the sink- that’s beside the point;)

And could I too, find peace in the process of raising my children in an unkept home? And not filthy to the point of sickness but like on pinterest clean enough to be healthy, messy enough to be happy. This life we live. The human condition. If you’re anything like me you try to fix it up, clean it up, make it better.

But maybe joy comes in accepting the moment as it is.

Accepting yourself as you are. Warts and all. God does.

Accepting my kids for who they are, what they are learning and what they are becoming. And stop trying to hide the fact that LIFE is taking place. Something about that just makes me feel content. In love with the fact that it is ok to live. 

On Earth as it is in Heaven. We won’t be fretting in Heaven… worrying about every wrong thought or motive. In the presence of the Father all will be right and perfect. So can we believe He has it now like He has it then? The endless fretting over what needs to be corrected could it be wasted time? Possibly a lack of trust? A restless spirit of unbelief in the One who said, IT IS FINISHED.

I will grasp the hand of my Father and trust He knows what He is doing. I will choose not to be consumed with how to fix my problems but to live in the moment and embrace the life I have been given. His grace is sufficient. And Lord, may my life be an example to my children- that they are free to live, learn, and love as messy as that may look- covered in grace and love.

And maybe, eventually, you just might get an invite to use my bathroom.

Join me to live this messy life resting in the restoration of God’s great love.

Clinging

My mind has been reeling, desperately trying to make sense out of some things I just can’t understand. I ask why? How could it have been different? What could I have done?

In all my efforts in trying to figure it out I end up back in the same place.

With no answers.

No solutions.

I’m tired mentally, emotionally and physically.

I want to be like everyone I see around me, so confident in their faith and hope. I sing the words, I hear the words, I write the words but they seem empty lately.

I have been violently forced back to the place where I was several weeks ago only on a larger scale. Face to face with my lack of belief and understanding of God.

And my mind has trailed off and my spirit has been wondering while wandering. Wondering if I’ve made it all up to make myself feel better. If it all really is a fairytale or make believe. The songs that once held such passion and truth in their message now a dull melody to me. I sit and I sulk in my questions.

What offer of hope can the world give anyone in light of losing a loved one? I search and come up short.

So I return to the One who says He has come:

  to bind up the brokenhearted,
    to proclaim freedom for the captives
    and release from darkness for the prisoners,^[a]
2 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
    and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
³     and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
    instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
    instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
    instead of a spirit of despair.

And on the same weekend I go to say goodbye to a dear, amazing friend, it's the same weekend we celebrate Easter. The risen Lord. This man/God who read those words above from the scroll and claimed to all He read it to in Luke 4:21, “Today this scripture is fulfilled in your hearing.”

That verse always gives me chills. Good chills. The kinds that warms me all over. He spoke with such authority and certainty. And I HAVE to believe because nothing else makes any sense to me.

I can’t answer the whys of all I have endured the last few days. I don’t understand and I refuse to throw out some fluffy clichés to make it all better. They don’t work.

What works or is in the process of working, is looking to this Christ. Fully man, Fully God- dying on behalf of the world so we might KNOW His Father and spend eternity with Him and all who love Him.

And when I look anywhere else I just don’t seem to derive as much comfort as I do in Jesus.

And all this pain and heartache that we experience on Earth IT MUST pale in comparison to the glorious riches we will have with Him. I’m counting on that. Hanging on to that.

While my friend’s life hung in the balance I wrote these words about her…

I made a deal with God today. Not really verbally just mentally- I didn’t have an official handshake or immediate confirmation of the deal. But I think we see eye to eye. I have threatened with my anger, doubt and unbelief. Funny thing is I’ve already been wrestling with those anyways so it wasn’t much of a threat.

So much hinges on this deal. Like a husband and 4 little lives. A mom and dad, brother and countless friends and family that are waiting as patiently as possible to hear what they desperately long to hear. She is getting better, improving, will be back to herself in a couple weeks.

See my dear friend of nearly 20 years has become suddenly ill to the point of induced coma. I called her just last night to “catch up” as we do when we get the chance, she with 4 kids me with twins it is often hard to have a conversation. Little did I know when I called she was teetering on the brink of death.

Another startle into reality and I’m finding myself incredulous at how short our lives really are and how we are not guaranteed tomorrow.

This girl is one of a kind. Incredibly smart, beautiful, kind, innocent, resourceful, patient, honest, genuine, loyal, funny. A true friend. Her ability to maintain sanity in a household with 4 kids while fixing dinner and listening to my woes of having twins is uncanny. She is steadfast and unwavering in her commitments. I admire her for all of these things.

Any time I start to feel sorry for myself, about how tough I have it with twins, I would think about her. Going on nearly 10 years without much of a break she has dutifully looked after her 4 children whilst moving 7  times across state lines.  When things looked bleak and she wasn’t sure what the future held she would always say “God has a plan” and she would trust. And she has always been right.  She is like a rock. And how I want to say that to her now as her body is weak. Because I know she would say she hasn’t felt that strong in those moments but oh how the Lord made her strong. And I am trusting just as she has that God does have a plan and this isn’t in vain. That God will be her strength while her body is not.

I’ve often thought she could use a break, some time away, time for rest. So this is the deal I made with God- He can have her as long as He needs her right now in this “medically induced coma” refuel her, reenergize her, rejuvenate her mind, body and soul. But He MUST return her to us. Or else.

So I’m living the or else right now. Wrestling with the doubts, shedding the tears. But clinging desperately to hope. And taking a leaf from her book trusting that “God has a plan”.

And without Easter, I wouldn’t have the picture of my sweet Ashley in the arms of Jesus. Which is where I want, need, and have to believe her to be. It is my only hope.

Join me in praying for her dear sweet children and husband and all who knew her- that they can find hope in this very dark time.