True to Myself

There was a method to my posting madness. I had a blog scheduled for Wednesday and Sunday nights. This was when my life was somewhat predictable and my walk with Jesus equally as such. Predictable.

I am not a big fan of change. I like things to stay the same and follow similar patterns of predictability.  I can tolerate an occasional differentiation in the order of things but for the most part I like to know what will happen next.

In the last few months things have been FAR from following the natural order of things. Not just a few things. It seems my LIFE has been in a pattern of chaos. For instance, as I went to find my child who had wandered off after church, I found him completely naked running down the hall behind the worship center. UNPREDICTABLE!  It seems those who know me most have wondered if what I write is what I really believe. And I too wonder the same thing. Just as I wrote   earlier about finding contentment in the mess, God knows I'm desperately TRYING to do that. But my success rate hasn't been too grand.

In these months of complete unpredictability I am desperate to believe what I always have. To have unswerving faith. My heart pours out from my hands what I want to be true. It’s just that my mind keeps taking unexpected turns.

I prefer to appear positive and turn what may sound despairing into more of a Pollyanna perspective. Possibly because I know my experiences in life are less daunting than others. That doesn’t stop me from questioning though. So I feel it necessary to be true to myself and admit that so often the words that cover the screen are just as much for me as they are for the audience I am writing to. Whoever that may be. I fear during this season, that my wonderings and doubts will bring everyone down with me. But then, I hear so many around me saying, I have doubted too.

Everyone doubts. 

And without resistance how will I/we ever grow?

So those that know me best will nod and say, yes, that’s what I thought. Because this IS what is going on with me right now.The questioning, the wrestling. I see it as a battle. Flesh and Spirit. Just like the battle Paul talks about in Romans. Only it’s not so much in what I do, but what I believe- which ultimately effects what I do. What I want desperately to believe I don’t and what I do believe I no longer want to. As the lies are being revealed I need to just let them all go. As difficult as that is. Funny, the name of this blog and the tagline I chose. What was I thinking?

This song has been my go to during this unpredictable phase of my life. The refining and stripping away of things I once was so sure of. At the end of the day, no matter my state of mind, spiritual condition or life in general the one thing I can confidently say that I believe is God will never leave me nor forsake me. Or anyone for that matter.

Read the lyrics below as you listen and be blessed. 

Join me if you like as we navigate down this road of complete unpredictability and trust God is with us the entire way.

O my soul- Audrey Assad 

Rivers and stones and the trees of the field, they sing in the night
And a thousand tongues lay deep in your lungs to raise to the sky
don't lie to yourself, o my soul—love your God.

Deep in your heart you feather and tar your folly and fear:
expose them for the fools they are, and the world comes clear.
Don't lie to yourself, o my soul—love your God.

Your worries will never love you
They'll leave you all alone
But your God will not forsake you
O my soul.

Deep in your heart you feather and tar your folly and fear:
expose them for the fools they are, and the world comes clear.
Don't lie to yourself, o my soul—love your God.

Your worries will never love you
They'll leave you all alone
But your God will not forsake you
O my soul.

A Step Back- Viewing the Tapestry of Motherhood

I have been taking a step back from things.  I am trying to observe more. Contemplate things. Desperately trying to listen more, rather than spout out everything that comes to mind. As you can imagine, that is very hard for me to do. I have continued to write. In fact I have a cue of blogs on all that has been taking place. Some I may publish. Others might need to stay unpublished indefinitely.

My high school History teacher would always use the analogy that our lives are like a tapestry.  We can only see the back side which looks rough and mangled and out of order but when it’s turned over a beautiful masterpiece has been created.  From time to time I catch a glimpse of the front side of my tapestry, especially when I take step back.

The lineage of women in my life is something that I often take for granted. But as I sat down to write Mother’s day cards to not only my mom but my grandmothers as well, I couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed by how rich I am. How fortunate I have been.  I have had the rare privilege of growing up with both sets of grandparents and two great grandmothers- one of which has passed on into eternity, but the other is still going strong. And I mean strong. Yet every one of them has been strong.  Faithful, devoted, committed, loving servants to all.  Giving, gracious, generous.  Each of them in love with God in their own way. 

When it comes to mothering, we all know how short we fall of perfection.  How much we lack in certain areas. I’m sure each of my grandmothers could talk about how their mom didn’t do such and such as my mom could say my grandma didn’t do so and so and I could say of my mom not doing this and that and Jack and Finn will say…. You get the point. I am constantly aware of my screw ups and failures and want so badly to be the best mom ever.  Yet I know no matter how great I do, they will have something to say later in life about something I did or didn’t do.

But as I age and continue to walk this road of motherhood and consider the legacy of mothers before me, I realize the shortcomings don’t make up the whole. Just like the tapestry, in the moment and even sometimes moments far removed, all we can see is the rough, mangled out of order mess that our lives are in. Our relationships with our children or our mothers.  The screw ups, the blow ups, the words wrecklessly used, the silences, the resentments, the hurt, the anger. The backside. But on the other side are the tender words and affection, the laughs and happy tears, the long conversations, the understanding, the love, the forgiveness. Weaving together a beautiful masterpiece over a lifetime.

I step back and see this legacy of women and run my fingers over the perfectly placed threads on the front side. And I smile. And I am proud. And I am humbled. Because I know the back does not look pretty  and I can’t forget  nor deny that the reason all of it forms a beautiful picture is because grace unwinds the mess and makes it the masterpiece.

So this Mother’s day, no matter what your view, remember that this is not the end. Whether you are 93 or 23. Old mother, young mother. The tapestry of your life is being woven and from where you are standing you may not see the masterpiece.  Take a step back, take a deep breath and trust in the fact that the threads are piecing together as they should.  And you have the chance now, the breath now to say those tender words and shower affection, to share the laughs and happy tears, long conversations and understanding. You can pour out unconditional love, and extend forgiveness, not only to others, but to yourself. And if your mother has passed cherish the good times. And if you grieve this day because you are not by biological definition a “mother” you too have the power to be an influence in the life of another.

I know how much I cherish the influences in my life.  And how much I hope to pass on the devotion and faithfulness that has been modeled to me so graciously. Not only to my children but to all I encounter.

Join me in celebrating the joys and aches that form the masterpiece of motherhood.