Irresistible Vomit

This is the deal. As far as I have come. I still go back. I keep returning to what I know. It is so much easier to live in fear. To coddle insecurity. To remain in self-loathing and self indulgence than to lovingly, humbly accept and embrace the person that I am.

I see it crop up in my parenting--in my relationships with others. When before it was so subtle and almost unrecognizable-- now it is screaming at me. Because I have become aware of something greater. Something better. Yet  I refuse to let it become my new normal. It is scary and unknown.  So I allow the anger and bitterness to rule. I take things personally and judge others far too critically.

That gift of freedom comes with a cost. It comes with letting go of repetitive thought patterns and negative self talk. It means I have to start showing myself compassion and empathy. I have to begin to see myself as a human with intrinsic worth and value even when I KNOW all the dark ugly things about me. Ultimately what it means is I have to relinquish control over my life. At least I know what to expect. At least I can’t really let myself down because I already expect the worst. There isn’t room for failure when risk isn’t involved. Or is there?

I believe there is such thing as healthy fear. Fear that ultimately protects. When passing a snake I become fearful and my brain tells my body to back away slowly and get the hell out of there. I’m thankful for that fear.

But there is another fear. A debilitating, crippling, paralyzing fear. Fear of man. Fear of failure. Fear of being fully known. It keeps some locked up in their own dungeons of if only and what might have been.  In an effort to “protect” myself from disappointment or discouragement those are the two things that arise from the life lived in fear. This season of discontent because someone else has it or does it better or  is favored among men. It starts as a season but if fear continues to rule, it becomes a lifetime.

I’m not sure the origin. Probably somewhere early on in childhood someone whispered, don’t risk or you’ll be rejected, unloved, unworthy.  So to make sure that didn’t happen I made sure to follow the rules. To color within the lines. Any time I had a “different” idea I would feel guilty or stupid.  I’m pretty sure fear and guilt are best friends. They love to team up with each other.  And I suppose with the theology of being inherently evil since birth I believed nothing good could come from me. 

Lord have mercy. All that I know to be TRUE of my God.  I’m wondering when I will really start to believe it. Like somehow I’m a better person believing the worst about myself than actually saying, oh wait, right- I am loved. Worthy of love. So much so that He died for me.  Yikes. That sounds so self indulgent.  It was the world, I argue, everyone in it.  But how does that disclude me? As if I want to set myself apart from all the others… but I’m BEYOND redemption.  Good Lord.

“As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly.”

So very foolish. I keep going back.

Yet I’m thankful that I can see it--That I can actually taste the bitter disgustingness of it all. That it benefits no one. It damages me and those around me. It prevents and stunts creativity and beauty which the whole World desperately needs.

So this is risky for me. Showing the true side. What really goes on.  Why I write, then go on month long sabbaticals questioning, analyzing, evaluating. Judging and criticizing my journey because it isn’t as pretty as others. Or positive. Or geez, whatever. All I can think of is “Who will save me from this body of death?” This repetitive cycle of consuming vomit? I know. We know. And thank God above for Him.

Today I write with hope that because I see it for what it is… something might actually change. The scales seem to be lifting. And for today that is enough. 

Selena Gomez- The Prophetess

I sang a song growing up in church about Jesus standing at the door and knocking:

Behold, behold, I stand at the door and knock

Behold, behold, I stand at the door and knock, knock, knock

If anyone hear my voice if anyone hear my voice and will open open open the door

I will come in

All you good church going folks will be humming the tune the rest of the day.

The thing is, I had always understood that song and the passage from whence it was derived to apply to “sinners” or those who had not already answered the call of Christ.

What is rather, (disturbingly) interesting for me is, John wrote that verse in Revelation, as a plea to the Church.  This information I did not discover on my own, but a dear friend of mine revealed to me at the end of last year.  I was shocked.  And almost incredulous. How dare someone attack my childhood Sunday school song and claim my understanding of it was inaccurate!!?

But indeed, when I myself looked at the passage I could not deny the truth of the context.  The thing is, my previous (mis)understanding of the verse was not “bad” and I do believe Christ beckons each and every one of us to him. God is working in and through all things that we may behold His glory and praise His name.  The problem with my understanding is it set ME apart from everyone else.  As if my door was already wide open just emmanting with the presence of Christ.  Ah contrare.

So how, might you ask could one who has “believed” in Christ be on the other side of a closed door?

I allow so many things to get in the way of Christ. So. Many. Things.

Even things that are an attempt to be “closer” to Him can sometimes take the place OF Him. I begin worshipping the process. The system. The order in which things are supposed to be done because the Bible tells me so. Or everyone else around me seems to be doing them and appear to be further ahead. And all the while Jesus waits… knocks… waits and says, “When you’re ready, come and get it.”  This life abundant that I promised, the one with no strings attached. The life where law does not bind you, where the Spirit leads you in complete and total FREEDOM.  Where it isn’t your job to make sure everyone around you is upholding Biblical morals but your life is an overflow of love and people can’t help but WANT what you have. Nor is it your job to compare where you are to where someone else is.

Selena might truly be the mouthpeice of God- even if she doesn’t know it.  I have blocked Him out in an effort to know Him more. In my own strength.  By my own power. Striving, trying. Implementing new programs, new studies. Reading the latest books and new ways to pray, study, meditate, serve. And I’m not downplaying those or saying they haven’t been useful in allowing people to grow in their relationship with Christ. But when those “tools” become my focus I start to rely on them to save me instead of my Savior. I become superior minded. I think I somehow have this faith thing all figured out because my system is so very “godly”. Church attendance- check. Quiet times… eh.. read my Bible- check.  Pray without ceasing… uh, talk to God when I need help- check.  Attend Bible study- check. Give money- check.  My task list is complete and I sit smugly closed up in my holy home all the while Jesus wonders when He can come in and visit. And if I’m really honest, who is it really for? My checklist means that I can prove to others I’m on the straight and narrow. Others can see my good works. I can earn the praise of others when it appears I can achieve this thing called the “Christian life”.

It is so much more manageable and controllable when my faith is a check list. And for the majority of my walk, I haven’t been “ready”.  I like what is secure, comfortable and easy. Jesus was and is anything BUT.

He lived and loved radically. His words and actions were jaw dropping for those who had this faith thing all figured out. He was led by God and guided by love.  Which are really one in the same.

He was unpredictable yet always true to His word. This Jesus knocks. On the hearts of those who have become chillingly cold. Who have accepted the truth but then run with it in (my) their own strength to produce a “super” Christian façade so everyone can see how godly (I am) they are. Shivering in (my)  their dismal home wondering why it seems so hard most times and where is the abundance I was promised?  

“When you’re ready, Jesus says, Come and get it.”

I think I’m ready. I’m ready to drop my tools. I want Him to lead always. I want my door to be wide open willing to take whatever step He asks me to take.  To join Him on an abundant, unpredictable adventure. Trusting He’s got it. He always has. He has overcome. And He who has overcome the world LIVES IN ME.

I want to live like I truly believe that. And stop closing him out with all of my “religious” practices. 

as HE loved

(in light of recent legislations being considered I decided to post this... I wrote it several months ago but now see its relevance)

Love.

When we say the word so many thoughts come to mind. Definitions. Expectations. Interpretations.

No wonder it is so difficult to pinpoint just exactly what it means when we say, Love one Another.

In an age where there is an “impending threat” on absolute truth and morality, this word gets thrown around a lot. Usually from those who don’t claim to follow Jesus but KNOW what He stood for and gladly join arms with Him when it fits their defense or justifies their behavior.

But from the other side, I observe a lot of fear. Fear that if I love them I may be seen as excusing “sinful’ behavior. Fear that extending grace may mean turning a blind eye to what the Bible clearly states is wrong. Fear that “they” are taking over and with “us” losing more and more to “their” side all hope is lost, our future surely doomed and our freedom at risk of extinction.

Perfect love casts out fear.

I fear things. Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. Fear of torture or physical pain. I spend a large amount of time avoiding things that may cause tension or disrupt security and comfort.  I like the things I can control. And control I do.

I have come to the conclusion that one of the best definitions of love is: Surrender.

The need to be right.

The need to be understood.

The need to be respected.

The need to have freedom.

The need for comfort.

Because we say our ultimate example of love is He that came to live as one of us- and not for a second did He use the fact that He was GOD to his advantage, or to LORD over us. But squeezed through the vaginal birth canal to live just like us. HUMAN.  What comfort?

While His relationship with God was obviously a direct line of communication, He was still limited by human standards, His godly rights stripped when He breathed his first newborn breath. What freedom?

He was mocked, criticized, judged, belittled, laughed at, slandered, and ultimately beaten and killed… by HIS people. What respect?

He taught what was true, regardless of who understood. And was mostly misunderstood even by his closest disciples. While all He said was right, He in no way forced or demanded anyone to agree with Him. He was right regardless.

And this is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid his life down for us.

In the list of sins that Revelation 21:8 cites as unable to enter the kingdom of heaven, the first one mentioned is FEAR.

And yet all the others seem to take precedence when we are shaking our fingers at others demanding they repent OR ELSE.

Is that truly driven by love? Or fear?

Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.

Could this be the prayer of our hearts instead? Instead of demanding rights or freedoms for ourselves? Clinging ever so tightly to all we are entitled to, could we possibly surrender for the sake of love so that others might know what love is? Jesus. The word in flesh- whose entire life was one of complete and utter surrender.  Complete. Total. And Perfect love.

In Him there is no fear.  He has conquered the grave. We have nothing to lose. Love radically. Graciously. Fully surrendered.  His truth prevails. He is always right. He commanded that we LOVE. AS. HE LOVED. Thy will NOT my will.

Is it possible?

God Breathed

For the majority of my Christian education the Bible was elevated as the inerrant word of God. And while there were times I often wondered how humans could write something perfect, I quickly dismissed such heretical thinking with the fact that With God all things are possible.

Because it is said, “All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness..." (2 Tim 3:16)

I haven’t often thought about this passage within the context of the time it was written. No one had access to what we call the “New Testamant”. There were churches that received the letters that the majority of the New Testament consists of but they were not bound and distributed to every bedside table at the time. Even the Torah or Old Testament Scriptures were limited in “supply”. Unless you had a Jewish upbringing your knowledge of the law or “scripture” would have been hearsay.

When I was taught about quiet times it was necessary that the Bible was always involved. God speaks to us through His word. It is His love letter to His people… God breathed.

How did people have a relationship with God without the Bible I often wonder?

AND furthermore, how is it possible that those who wrote what comprises the New Testament, didn’t have the New Testament to refer to and spend their quiet times with?? 

Who were they spending their time with anyways? hmmmmmm.

And, if they were “inspired” by God to write what they did- why did the buck stop with them?

Has God ceased inspiring writers? Does He no longer use His people as a mouth piece to express what is stirring in His heart?

If I choose to spend time with God alone, with no “holy scriptures” will I be led astray? Or do I believe the Spirit resides within me?

I have often found the verses about the heart being deceptive (Jer. 17:9) and having the mind of Christ (1 Cor 2:16) completely contradictory. I have lived far too long doubting and questioning my motives. I don’t trust myself. And to be honest, it is miserable living a life you are afraid to live. Afraid to make a mistake or say the “wrong” thing. Afraid to have an opinion or make a decision.  Wondering if I am aligning my everything to God’s will.

And yet, the Spirit resides within me.

You know what else is God breathed?

Man.

"And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul." (Gen 2:7)

All of us. Walking around.

The breath of God.

Inspired by the triune God.

"Let us make humankind in our image, in the likeness of ourselves." (Gen 1:26)

It is true we lost our way. The Bible makes that VERY clear. But the entire point of it is to POINT us to our REDEMPTION. Our SAVIOR. The real, raw, intimate fact that God is passionately in Love with His creation – the ones He breathed LIFE into. This God who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. (1 Tim. 6:17) He is the One who is after our hearts.

God is present in our every day lives. And I’m so very blinded by my expectations for how He is “supposed” to show up that I miss Him entirely. Even with my Bible wide open.

I admit, I do not have a specific time carved out to read my Bible. I may pick it up twice a week at random. But the older I get the more I realize God has not limited Himself in the pages of a book. He has made Himself known – his invisible attributes all throughout creation. (Romans 1:20)

Sometimes it is enough just to lift your head and look around. Survey the beauty around you. Marvel at the way the universe functions or even the physical body. Be astounded by the ocean or the grandeur of the mountains-taken back by the precious innocence of a newborn baby. Glory to God!

Moments like these can draw us closer to the heart of God. I will never say don’t read your Bible. Clearly it was written to help guide us. Test the spirits with what His word says. But do not think that without it, all is lost. That you are not close to God or know Him well enough. That if you just read more you’ll know Him more. You will possibly know more “about” Him… but there’s a difference in knowing about someone than an intimate “knowing” on a level beyond just knowledge. (Eph. 3:19) It is not any less quality of time spent with God in awe of His creation and praising Him for His goodness than in His word learning about His goodness. I would say both are necessary to fully experience God. 

I attended a mission program after graduating high school and we took a weekend to have a silent retreat. When our leaders explained to us that we would be spending time with God in nature they specifically said to bring nothing--As in not even our Bibles, because even the Bible could become a distraction. This was over 13 years ago… and even typing that still causes me to shudder.

How often have I used the Bible for my agenda? How many times have I opened my Bible because of the prompting of the Holy Spirit as opposed to the guilt of my conscience? Has the Bible become a distraction for me so much so that I miss God entirely when I read it’s content?

It doesn’t seem possible but as fallen creatures we can turn ANYTHING into an idol.

I wouldn’t have this knowledge without the Bible. Nor could I retain what I have without having spent time in it. And I respect the Bible. I am thankful for the Bible… but I don’t interpret ‘logos’ as the Bible. The “word” (logos) of God is His son Jesus Christ. And Jesus is the full representation of the Father- for if we have seen Jesus- we have seen God. (John 14:9) The purpose of the scriptures was to show us our need for Him. And His complete and utter willingness to give His life for our sake. We worship Jesus. Not the Bible. 

Tell me How you Really Feel

Nearly a month over in the year 2014 and I have written already 3 posts but failed to go live. 

But after watching THIS this morning sent by a dear friend... and reading this tonight I have decided to just stop. Stop writing and not posting. Stop being afraid of having an opinion. Even if someone might not like it or blatantly disagree. Even if my post isn't liked by 1000's of people or gets shared on Facebook. Or if what I have to say isn't life changing or deeply profound. 

The fact is... my grandma hit a huge milestone yesterday. And I was too afraid to post my thoughts about her. 

So here they are now in all their glory. Profound or Not:

90

Today is a milestone in the life of my grandma Iris. She has lived 90 years. 90! I’m a little over a third of the way there. And I’m already tired!

Due to last minute notification and prior commitments at home I am unable to celebrate WITH her today. But it doesn’t stop me from celebrating her!

I’m embarrassed to admit that I don’t really remember many facts about her life- the number of siblings she had or how old she was when she got married. She had 6 kids on a preacher’s income. Not sure if she ever worked outside of the home. She makes killer homemade lemonade and Dr. Pepper cake.

My memories are more in the form of WHO she was. Always smiling. Loves being with family. Likes cheesy humor. Loves God.

For as long as I can remember she has had dentures. When we would go stay with her overnight (sometimes for the week for VBS) she would take out her teeth and say “Gimme a Kisschh”

Light hearted. Peaceful.

And to this day that is still who she is.

Only, during my last visit with her I noticed something that caught me by surprise.  One of the nurses brought in her lunch for the day. My grandma looked it over, then very calmly said, “I don’t want that”.  Immediately I felt the need to apologize for her curt response. The nurse seemed a little agitated (my grandma doesn’t like to eat- so it is work for the nurses!) and made sure she was planning on eating something for lunch.  It had already been arranged that my aunt was bringing her other food.

While my grandma embodies many traits and characteristics I would like to emulate myself, this particular exchange caused me to admire her even more.  Because I have a confession to make:

My name is Aimee, and I am a people pleaser.

I cringe at the thought of having to tell someone no. Oftentimes I delay a response because of how guilty I feel knowing that I will be saying no so I try to come up with the least offensive excuse and a myriad of reasons to justify my response.  When the majority of the time my main reason is “I don’t want to”

Now in my mind I have the very “Christian” debate about how sometimes God asks us to do things we don’t want to do. And I get that. I try to be sensitive to that. But I also know that God does not condone lying.  And while my excuses may be true- the underlying reason is a lack of want.  But in order to protect my “image” or standing with the other person I fluff it up and make it look much prettier than that. Probably because I am 32. Still insecure. Still low on confidence. Still worried that if I say no they might not like me or want to be my friend.

And while I do believe tact is appropriate and the way in which I communicate is gentle and kind- I believe my grandma has arrived. She isn’t dictated by factors of being liked or viewed as sweet and nice. She is confident in herself to know what she wants and doesn’t want and she’s not afraid to say it. And I actually love her all the more for it. The reality is, at the end of the day- she knows she is loved so she can be herself.

I’m not quite ready to jump ahead to my 90^th birthday. But I would love a bit of that lack of need to please. And to somehow release all of us from that trap. To not be afraid to say how we feel, what we think, or heck what we WANT aloud.  To truly know we are loved and relax into being ourselves more freely.  I suppose some of us may need to grow a bit thicker skin and some of us would have to work on tone of delivery- but at least it would all be out there.  And we may find that many of us feel, think and want similar things.  Hopefully BEFORE we make it to the nursing home.

Happy 90^th birthday to my dear grandma Iris! You are a light and inspiration to me. I love you. 

There you have it! Who's with me in saying it like it is? 

An open letter to all the 20 Reasons posts

Ok no not really. But it seems lately everyone has at least 10 or 20 reasons for something. Or has written and open letter. I didn’t want to be left out.

And while on the subject, this is the reason why I haven’t really posted anything in a long while.  Many of my closest friends have encouraged me to write, saying that I have a voice that the world needs. Yet I read around the blogosphere and I realize I’m not really saying anything new.  I’m not the first to question my faith, lose a close friend, be a mom of twins or deal with past regrets or pain. I’ve found myself wanting, needing, craving SILENCE. Silence my thoughts and all the voices and opinions around me… Ways I should dress, worship, believe, behave, think, pray, reconcile, parent, wife… etc. etc.

I have been in a state of cynicism and truly the last thing the internet needs is another bitter person voicing their frustration for all the world to read—even more so, a so called “Christian”.

Aside from the political arena, which I clearly have an opinion on, I have noticed that there is an extreme discord among Christians all over.  So much anger. So much finger pointing and blaming.

I find myself getting sucked into this way of thinking. Certain radio hosts that truly make my skin crawl. I judge because she is self-righteous. Certain radio preachers that are so very conservative. I judge  because he is so narrow minded. Bloggers that harp on other pastors for being too patriarchal. I judge because she is too merciless.  And oh if I could just see past the plank in my own eye, I might notice that I too can be a self righteous, narrow minded, merciless… you know what.

And I have realized, it is so much easier to focus on all the negative. All that is wrong. The ways in which the church has failed and other Christians have let me down. How no one seems to get a long and so many open letters being written to one another for not thinking the “right” way.

So I have found myself with little to say. Which is very unusual. And I have noticed myself actually enjoying life. I said the words, “I am happy.” And cringed… waiting for lightning to strike.  Like it is such a bad thing to feel happy.  When everyone else seems so very, very UNhappy.

But with all I have battled through the last year, I can confidently say, life is too short to get hung up on what I can’t control. Which is everything and everyone other than myself. Who can even be uncontrollable at times. And there is an insurmountable abundance of freedom in that.  You hear the  quote if you want change, be the change you want to see, and that is now my motto. I could use this blog to voice my opinion on doctrine or scriptural interpretation. A platform to convince others that believing in certain things will save them, make them better, improve the world. But unless my life reflects one of gratitude, encouragement and selflessness, what is the point?

I want to invite my readers to LIVE.  To invest their time into what matters. To unplug if necessary and ignore the plethora of opinions and open letters that are floating around and will always be around.

I find it exhausting trying to keep up. And I mourn over time and energy wasted.  Several bloggers out there are trying to be encouraging and uplifting. Honest and authentic. I appreciate those and often walk away feeling lighter.

So I hope to do the same for others.

Ultimately, I want to inspire everyone to pursue the things that make them SHINE.  To find beauty in their days despite the ugly that might be all around them.  To find Joy. Peace. Gentleness. Kindness. Love.

These fruits are worth pursuing. Worth spending headspace on. 

So consider this an open letter to all the open letters out there.  Can we use our words to uplift rather than tear down? To maybe find what is being done RIGHT rather than criticize all that is being done wrong? To join hands and fight against the popular opinion that we must be heard and we must be right and just simply love.

I get it. I understand the NEED to project an opinion. I fall into the trap daily- especially as a writer. Even maybe in this very moment.  But I want to put my weapons down.  And just outstretch my arms and give the world and everyone in it a big, giant hug.  We are all doing this thing called life together.  And many will still bring out their big guns.  But we DO have a choice.  To pursue peace or demand division.

It may be I have found 20 reasons why NOT to blog. But for now I want the world to know, I have been blessed beyond measure. My family. My friends. My GOD. I am always loved and God is always good.   I am so very thankful and pray I will never lose sight of the abundance even when it seems scarce. Even if I happen to disagree with a fellow sojourner.

2013 has truly been an unforgettable year, and not in the best way. Yet I find myself grateful for the lessons I have learned from some truly, life-altering and difficult circumstances. It seems I have learned more in the last year than in all 31 others combined. And so I approach the new year with a new perspective: 

• Never take any relationship for granted- tell those you love just how much you love them
• Slow down and notice, REALLY notice life around you
• Say thank you always, every day
• Oh be careful little mouth what you say
• It's OK to like yourself even if others don't- it actually starts with you anyways.

So my hope is that no matter what 2014 may hold, I will NOT forget the lessons from before and my words will be seasoned with life giving sustenance that build up and encourage. I'm clearly aware of the fact that not everything is rainbows and gumdrops and I won't pretend that it is. I would just rather find the rainbows instead of drown them out with all the other dreary, dismal stuff life often tends to bring to the surface. 

Thank you- to those of you who continue to read. May your Christmas be filled with joy and the new year full of life, love and adventure. 

Hell has frozen over- A political post

For the last several months I have been observing our culture. Reading angry blogs and even angrier comments that follow. Seeing posts demanding that something be done about the condition of our society, government, world. And what is most astounding is the majority of these angry, outraged people claim to follow the ways of Christ.

I hate tension and conflict. And I certainly do not enjoy being the cause of it. I am quick to apologize when I’m confronted because I don’t want to be known or perceived as divisive or intentionally malicious. That is not my heart. I am very aware that I am not perfect. Reminded on a daily, minute by minute basis.

I don’t like calling things out. I’d rather be behind someone else doing it. And my understanding of all that is going on in the world is so very, very limited. I won’t even begin to assume I know it all. And let me also make clear that those who choose to be politically involved have my deepest respects. I do not covet positions of power in politics and I am grateful that people step up to act in that way… whether I agree with their stance or not. You may say my involvement has been apathetic. That is actually what I have claimed. I don’t care. 

Whatever. (hence the title of this post)

But lately I realize I am far from apathetic. I have been downright disturbed and ashamed. I am unsettled because I feel so passionately about all that is going on. Yet, I just remain silent. Mainly because the last thing I think we need is another disgruntled voice yelling their (my) opinion as gospel truth from the mountain top. But, to be honest, I do want to yell and scream. Really, really loud. I’m frustrated. But I am having a hard time identifying why?

I just want to say, Can’t we all just get along?? Make love not war? Spread peace and joy instead of division and enmity. So much yelling and fit throwing. I get that enough day in and day out from my twins. Then I hop online and hear it some more and then I’m wrestling with the same voices in my own head… and I long for silence. I wake up and I just want rest.

It is inescapable. And I could hole myself up and pretend it isn’t happening. Avoid pretty much any and every post on my fb wall and blog being written for that matter. I may find temporary peace. But the war continues whether I participate or not. And it’s unrealistic to think my voice would have any impact. But I have decided that maybe I’m not the only one. Just the only one willing to say it.

And what exactly am I trying to say? What solution do I propose? How can the world’s problems be solved in one blog post? Lord knows I wish I had the answer.

I really think it all boils down to one question posed by Jesus himself, “Who do YOU say that I am?”

Behold, the Son of God who takes away the sins of the world. We are so caught up in so much. We point fingers across the great political divide. Cast stones at one another in an attempt to influence one another’s point of view for the better.  Clinging to our pride, adamant that WE have the right answer. And I literally ask myself the cliché question, What WOULD Jesus do? Undeterred by either party he would enter the room, acknowledge the presence of people, remove his cloak and wash their feet.  This man/God would SERVE. He would serve the raging liberal demanding equal rights for all people. He would serve the dogmatic republican staunch in his views on capitalism. He would search deep beneath the surface of these issues and touch their heart. Simply with His love. And in that moment, in that room—there would be no divide because He would have bridged it. Black, white, gay, straight, Catholic, atheist, feminist, menonite, JUDAS Iscariot. Jesus is not partial. For the son of man did not come to be served, but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for ALL.

This is when losing my life makes sense! Surrendering it all for the sake of serving and loving. Not for fixing people because they are so messy. Or convincing them that I have all the answers and that if they just believe the way I do they will live a richer, fuller life. But simply humbling myself, releasing any impartiality or prejudice and graciously meeting someone where they are at, reaching down removing their shoes and washing their feet with the overwhelming love of Jesus. Not out of obligation, or because I’m supposed to. Not so others can see me and witness my amazing ability to be so humble and Christ like. God no. May it never be. But completely out of the sheer desire to love because I have been loved and they are an image bearer of the King and DESERVE respect, honor, grace and love. No matter their social standing, sexual orientation, incarceration, political party, religion, ethnicity, drug use or lack there of, mental stability, etc.

Is anyone else tired of the endless finger pointing and name calling? Is it possible for us to take our eyes off of everyone else and what they think and point our focus on the ONE that matters most. Is it really our place to point out where everything is going wrong? Can we be a part of the solution rather than the problem? Focus on simply loving God and loving others. Then is all the rest even necessary?

I’ve come to the conclusion in all my wrestling and inner conflict that I am responsible for myself and no one else. I can’t control or convince others to agree with my opinion or viewpoint. I am unable to force “Christians” to live up to their namesake. I place unrealistic demands on people I don’t even know expecting that they understand love and peace the way I do.  I have taken on the worries of the world thinking I might actually influence the world. Who do I think I am?

I am drawing a circle. And I am going to commune with Jesus. I am going to ask Him what the best choices are for my life and I am going to do my best to respond obediently. And my prayer would be that as I follow hard after Him; that His love would spill over to those around me. That they would SEE the love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control and THEY too would want the same for their lives.

And who am I kidding really? When I see the discord and disunity. Dissention and disgust. Who is behind it all? I can almost hear the maniacal laughter emitting from every fiber of his being.  Relishing in the slander and sacrilege. We are his actors putting on a brilliant performance. He directs, we acquiesce. He prowls around just waiting to jump at the chance to cash in on our hurt feelings. He knows how to soothe our precious egos by convincing us we are every bit justified in retaliating with our words and staunch opinions. He seems less concerned with the outcome and more entertained by the process.  We are so convinced the opposing side is our enemy. But it’s the one whispering those juicy lies we love to hear in our ears.  Coddling the idol of self worship and self elevation. Or keeping us quiet. Don’t get involved. It’s too risky. People can be awfully mean. Stay safe. Comfort first. Me first.

So if you too are in a funk, please know you are not alone. If you hear things that make your skin crawl from people who supposedly represent your faith and values, you are in good company.

I could spend time bashing and retaliating against those types of comments.

Then I’m just as guilty.

The one place where I know we are on the same playing field is at the foot of the cross.

All of us. Same boat. Regardless of our political agenda or theological interpretations. 

There is none righteous.

Not. EVEN. ONE.

Not even ME.

I am forced to look up and acknowledge without Him, I am nothing. And He took it upon Himself to keep me from having to hang there myself. My peace. My rest.

Christ alone.

Maybe that is the answer to the world’s problems. In one blog post.

Join me as we wrestle with the uncomfortable reality of unrest and instability looking to the cross as the source of our peace and the solution to our pride.

Stupid Girl

I've been awfully quiet lately. Not without thought, let me assure you.

I couldn't let this one go. Not because it angered me. Rather because it intrigued me. I would never claim to be of high intelligence.. heck, I just misspelled the word twice before having to look it up. I not E. 

And clearly if you happen to be reading along this blogging journey I have come to a place in my faith walk where I am not completely sure of things. So I'm fascinated by reading about the journeys and opinions of others regarding faith and religion. I am trying to do away with "religion" and instead, truly seek out what my faith really means. 

So this article caught my attention. Religious people are less intelligent than atheists

And here is my response.

It seems astounding to me that such extensive research has taken place.  I can’t begin to imagine the numbers of people polled to gather the necessary information to in fact determine that whatever quantifies as “intelligence” actually reigns supreme in those who have denied the existence of God.

As I read the “explanation” behind what constitutes greater intelligence I was really just confused.  And left for wanting a bit more substantial evidence or points. Most of the research cited, dated back to the early to mid 1900’s so it wasn’t very clear how relevant the information is to today.  If you choose not to read it I will sum up the apparent reasons as to what makes people intelligent. Obviously further education was listed, but so was stable marriage and financial security in addition to having a clear direction and purpose with a career.  So because you have more head knowledge,  things in your life are easier and cause you to “need” God less.

“People possessing the functions that religion provides are likely to adopt atheism, people lacking these very functions (e.g., the poor, the helpless) are likely to adopt theism,” the researchers wrote.”

I read this quote and really sat with it. And realized, this isn’t really “news”. There is nothing new under the sun.  In fact, the Bible speaks to this very idea. Affirms it in a sense.  

"The Message that points to Christ on the Cross seems like sheer silliness to those hellbent on destruction, but for those on the way of salvation it makes perfect sense. This is the way God works, and most powerfully as it turns out. It’s written,

I’ll turn conventional wisdom on its head,
I’ll expose so-called experts as crackpots.

So where can you find someone truly wise, truly educated, truly intelligent in this day and age? Hasn’t God exposed it all as pretentious nonsense? Since the world in all its fancy wisdom never had a clue when it came to knowing God, God in his wisdom took delight in using what the world considered dumb—preaching, of all things!—to bring those who trust him into the way of salvation."

Keep reading the rest here. 1 Cor 1:18-31 MSG

Our minds comprehend what we can logically understand and define. I started reading The Jesus I Never Knew by Phillip Yancey and he so eloquently and honestly explains by using examples from Dostoevsky and his own personal struggle with Christ, how it would have been so much easier during the temptation,  for Jesus to just prove it to Satan that He really was who He said He was. Instead he practiced restraint.

 “Did Jesus not realize that people want more than anything else to worship what is established beyond dispute? ‘Instead of taking possession of man’s freedom, you increased it, and burdened the spiritual kingdom of mankind with its sufferings forever. You desired man’s free love, that he should follow you freely, enticed and taken captive by you’… He surrendered his greatest advantage: the power to compel belief.”

To me it is not an issue of intelligence really. It’s an issue of courage. An issue of FAITH. One that I have personally been wrestling with. I get how self sufficiency and obtaining self regulation and self enhancement can be desirous and ultimately lead one to defy any deity. The rich young ruler for instance, who by all accounts would fit this “modern day intelligent man”, successful, wealthy, fulfilled with the best this life had to offer, walked away from Christ.  He turned his back on God because he didn’t want to give up all he had accrued and it made him sad.  And I get it. Now it makes sense why it is so much easier for a camel to get through the eye of a needle than a “rich” man to get into the kingdom of heaven.

I’m a white knuckler. I hold onto things I feel I have earned or I think I deserve. Not giving much if any credit to where they came from or from whom they came. I want and I want and I strive and I create this world of comfort and security in an effort to afford myself the fulfillment I think I deserve. And I would venture to say no matter who you are or where you stand on the issue of faith, that you too make effort towards the same goal.

I have a degree in Performing Arts and I often dreamed of making it big. I thought about celebrities and what their lives might be like. And I wonder, who is a friend to the celebrity? I mean really? Can anyone be trusted when you are famous? Wouldn’t you always wonder if they really wanted to be friends with you because of who you were rather than your well known name, or how much money you had? And that thought broke my heart.

Then it makes me turn my attention toward God. We are such users. We use friends, family members, drugs, alcohol, status, job title, you name it we use it and as long as it meets our needs it is worth our devotion. And I start to think this is also how we often see God too. As long as He is meeting our needs he is worth our devotion. Until He asks me to give everything away, He’s good.  As long as He doesn’t mess with my comfort or security, or point out any of my imperfections or misgivings, we can be cool.  But the minute I’m forced to concede with parts of my life that I’m not proud of or admit that I am unable to perform then I have no NEED for God.  Because I am self sufficient. I got this. God has no hand in this. It is easier to walk away than it is to FACE our reality.

So to quantify my own “intelligence”, I have a bachelor’s degree. I am happily married with 2 kids. I have had a number of jobs in my life and we are stable financially. And my journey of questioning God really began when I started losing things that were dear to me. It seems easier to me to essentially “walk away” because in the end, what I’m giving up doesn’t seem to equate to what I’m getting back.  That rain falls on the righteous and the unrighteous alike. There is no “reward” for being so self sacrificing and giving. Or is there?

The message of the gospel is so backwards compared to the Westernized way of thinking. The first shall be last and the last shall be first?? Not Survival of the fittest? If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give it up for me, you will find it. Not a live for the moment mentality? So I’m fighting these messages I’ve bought into and transformed into some kind of westernjesusbibletheology.

And I’m really sitting with those passages. I see the face of the rich young ruler in mine. I become sad because I fear I’m not willing to relinquish the death grip my fists have on all I deem as MINE. I fear He won’t be enough. It is easier to seek satisfaction here and now. Instant gratification but is it truly gratifying?

The thing about intelligent people is they have probably come to similar conclusions about God. They really take him at his word. And simply don’t like it. Disagree with it and would rather just dismiss it as fairytales than actually believe it to be true because it goes against EVERYTHING they have strived to achieve and build up for themselves.

Faith calls us not to stupidity, but full surrender. Which some may consider stupid, I suppose. Why would you surrender to someone you can’t see? I personally see it as a very courageous act. A willingness to lay aside one’s hopes, dreams, desires and place them in the hands of the ONE who gave them to us in the first place. It seems scary and daring. Outrageous and radical. Sounds like a life of adventure and unpredictability. A wild ride. An unfolding of those tightly clenched fists flaring open presented as an offering to the one who has offered it all.

So like it says in 1 Cor, I'm signing up to be a nobody--in a world where making a name for yourself is what matters. But I admire those that have gone before me and were fully surrendered for the sake of Christ and for the sake of love. And I can't deny that love is the whole reason behind this thing called faith after all. I just know I can't do it alone. And if you're in, we can't do it alone. We need each other. Let's be nobodies together and love all the nobodies the world could do without. Then anybody and everybody just might wonder what all us nobodies are up to. And we will look stupid and maybe feel stupid. But, "What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul?"

And I pray just like the father in Mark 9 "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" Not just for myself. But for all of us. 

And I waiver and I wander and I dilly dally away from what I hear Him saying and the promises He offers. I dissect the desires of my heart and ask am I willing to follow no matter what?

A life of ease and shelving this idea of God.

Or a life of full, total surrender. Unyielding.

This is what faith truly asks of us. Not our IQ.  

A Holy Anger

While wandering in this spiritual funk for the last several months I have observed a couple of things.

1.       There are a lot of people out there with numerous, varying and differing opinions on how    to follow Jesus (including this very blog ;)

2.       Opinions are all well and good but actions speak louder than words

I have found myself growing angry about morality debates among Christians and how ridiculous we must appear to those looking in on our “loving” community demanding that WE have the right interpretation of what Jesus meant when He said… or what it means when the Bible says…

I admit, I have been engaged in some of this unnecessary, unedifying and unproductive debating. It causes me to become angry and bitter and I realize then that is exactly where the enemy wants me to be. We can hold onto our staunch beliefs about clothing and lifestyle and impose it toward others claiming if they were “true” followers of Jesus they would or would not do, say, or wear certain things. I too can sit in my personal ideologies and force others to think the way I do or force Jesus into my Westernized culture to fit His words into what makes sense to me now. But I have come to realize that forcing an idea or pushing any morality agenda doesn’t seem to be very effective. I find when my blood is boiling and anger is stirring within me, my desire to “be heard” and to “be right” overrides the actual basis of the reason for my faith: LOVE.

Because this: " If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.  If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.  If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing."

My over action involving myself in reading about others ideas and opinions and riling myself up over them compared to my inaction in actually loving people and living out my faith is astonishingly embarrassing.

While I remain uncertain on a few things, this I KNOW. God is Love. And I have been commanded to love Him and love others as well as I love myself.

I have learned that my discontent as of late has not really been with God but with false pretenses or presumptions I have BELIEVED about God. The stripping away of those while strange, and often times painful is actually becoming very freeing.

So then there’s this: "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

This verse is the mission verse behind my friend Leslie’s orphanages in Uganda and Ethiopia. Having endured the horrific and tragic loss of her daughter Marissa, my friend Leslie, along with her husband Ken and son Gabriel took it on themselves to build 2 orphanages in her daughter's name.

While I know Leslie wishes she could turn back time and get Marissa back, she bravely faces every day determined to love God and love others the best she can, and pours her life into providing for the beautiful children in these establishments.

So when Leslie told me casually in our last conversation about her recent trip to Uganda, that she was unable to stay at the orphanage because there was no running water, I naturally asked, “How much would it cost to put in a well?”

$10,000

To change the way of life for 23 children and at least 4 of the workers that live with them.

Now there’s a new fire burning in me. And a holy anger motivating (not guilting) me to pursue this pure and faultless religion. To walk away from debating morality and start diving into meeting needs around the world in LOVE. I’m tired of my inaction. Weary of fighting worthless battles that at the end of the day will not point anyone to the loving arms of Jesus. I’m ready to live a life of love. And not just talk about it.

These beautiful children.

Created by God. Made in His image. Worthy of clean water.

The kind I drink everyday without a second thought as I hop online to view the next opinion out there on how I need to be living.

Check out this website. Marissa's House

And if you are as motivated as I am to be LOVE instead of just talk about it, consider donating or at the very least sharing this campaign with any and every one you know.

And be encouraged by what has been graciously encouraging me:" For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart."

God sees your heart. That’s all that matters. Not even MY opinion :)

Will you join me on a mission to change the living conditions for these beautiful children?

More than a Glimpse

My eyes are peeled as of late. Fully aware that God is active. Revealing himself all around me. I admit I have been consumed with my thoughts and have hermitted away inside my head. For that reason I would say my heart has been hardened and my eyes blinded. I have been reading recurring verses and thoughts about how we are to encourage and lift one another up. It seems as though my honesty is a little less than encouraging or uplifting.

When I survey my life there is a blindingly obvious blessing in the person of my husband. More than a glimpse, this man has embodied to me the love of Jesus on a day by day, minute by minute basis. If you follow this blog you can imagine the depth of conversations I force him to engage in. The combination of being a deep thinker plus having quality time as my number one love language can make a torturous evening for a man that enjoys the simple things in life.

After 7 years of marriage he has yet to blow up at me for the nitpicking I indulge in. It should be a huge sign that the majority of my focus on all he fails to do right is pretty much a projection of my inward struggle to attain perfection. This man is solid. And I often think if the tables were turned I would have bailed long ago. 

The first day we met I was turning 20. He was a mere 18. So young! I had been on my desperate search to find "the one" pretty much since age 5. Boy crazy barely scratches the surface. But my background having been influenced by books like, I Kissed Dating Goodbye and When God Writes Your Love Story really limited me in my choices of who I "should" be with. All those types that fit into the christian author's perfect description of what kind of man I needed, wanted nothing to do with me. So my quest broadened to whoever pays attention to me, I will give a fair chance. And by the blessed grace of God the man that paid attention was Simon.

And with the typing of that last sentence I can't hold back the tears. 

He had no claimed faith in Jesus, at the time, and during our second encounter he was hungover. Any good Christian girl would have fled the scene. Been completely disinterested. And in a way, I tried to be. Tell myself I deserved better. Little did I know the best was yet to come. I was strongly drawn to him. He was/is a man of character and integrity. Hard working, fun loving, stress free. An instant friend, stranger to no one. Plus, the Aussie accent, 6'4" chiseled baseball player build and enchanting smile didn't hurt :)

But one of his most impressive attributes and continues to be, is his respect for and treatment toward women. He speaks highly of his mother always. Loves, admires and respects his older sister. And one of my favorite memories of our early dating days (he would say we WERE NOT dating at the time) was when we were enjoying a lovely spring afternoon sitting alongside the brick wall near the cafeteria. Two girls from my dorm that played on the volleyball team walked past us wearing dresses. He spoke out to them and commented on how nice they looked in their spring dresses. It was the most sincere non-pick up line compliment I had ever heard. They swooned. And I could have been so jealous, and not to say there wasn't that middle school girl in me growling. But at that moment I was so PROUD to be the girl by his side. So honored that he was confident enough in himself and our friendship that he could pay other women a true compliment without it being sleazy. 

The unfortunate part of this story is I continued to read those books and evaluate every aspect of our relationship through them. I would call him in distress, worried that he didn't quite fit the mold (even after he gave his life to Jesus). Our relationship didn't look like the perfect, pure "Christian" relationship I was reading about. All these rules and strict ideas about how to date and we were falling short. But somehow HE was the problem. If only I could have put the books down and picked up a mirror. And all those things that he should be doing, how much time he should be reading the Bible, leading us in prayer- yes all good things, but my sister said the other day, "You know, I would almost rather a husband willing to take out the trash than one who sits around reading his Bible alot." Amen. Amazing how actually serving communicates quite a bit more than reading about serving.

I called my grandma after we had gotten engaged in a sheer emotional panic. How do I know I'm making the right choice? I was so confused by all I had read and all I was afraid of. My grandma is a wise woman. Gentle, calm, not often emotional or irrational. She told me she believed Simon would be a great husband for me. And those simple, yet very wise words could not be any truer. Without any effort on my part he has proven to be the most incredible husband a girl could ask for or dream up. And I wonder for his sweet sake, if all that time and energy focused on making him fit the mold could have been redirected toward enhancing myself as a loving partner- how much better could his life have been? And who really in the relationship seemed to understand what our faith was all about in the end?

After all the forcing him into a box I tried, he STILL loved me. And not a day went or goes by by that he didn't/doesn't tell me. I never had to wonder if he thought I was beautiful because he would and still tells me day after day. This gracious man. When it would have been so much easier to walk away after all my harping on him, he stuck by my side. And gosh that sounds a lot like the love I hear God has too. 

So here is this man in my life. Who didn't fit the mold but models to me on a human scale the gracious, unconditional love that I don't deserve, that I didn't earn but that I so thankfully receive. And it looks and sounds and feels so much like the love of Jesus. 

He is my blinding glimpse into the GREATER that exists. And his Aussie accent, 6'4" frame and enchanting smile are an added bonus.

 

I love you babe. Thank you for loving me and helping me keep the faith.

Join me in recognizing the people in our life who love us graciously and show us a glimpse of the GREATEST love.